Begin Again

CHAPTER 31

                                                                      

I check myself on the mirror one last time before going upstairs. I love my hair like that. Caroline curled them for me.

My phone is buzzing and I try to find it under the pile of clothes that sits on my bed.

It's Joe.

-Hey.

-Hey love. Am I interrupting family time?

-No... I am getting ready for dinner. You?

-I am at school. I'll stay here tonight. We had our New Year's Eve over here.

-Oh! you're right! Happy New Year then. I am still so confused with the time difference.

-I figured. Happy New Year to you too.

He says sounding happy but for some reason I am feeling that he isn't.

-Are you alright? I mean... Why didn't you stay home tonight?

-There was that big party. It was really fun actually but it was over like an hour ago and I all I could think about was you. I wish you were here. With me.

I feel guilty for some reason hearing him say that.

-I'll be back before you know it. It's like six days or something.

-I can't wait. Am I being the worst that I am telling you this?

-No... I understand why and how you say it. And to be honest I really wish you were here with me as well.

-I love you.

He says and I close my eyes while I take a deep breath and when I open them, I can feel a few tears coming out of them. I feel guilty. Guilty because of what happened with Alex.

-I love you too. I have to go now. You should get some sleep, alright?

-I will love. Good night! Have fun.

-Thanks. Good night.

I really miss him. I wish he'd be here.

I take a look in my bag. There it is. His gift. I want to wear it all the time but I am afraid that I might lose it or break it. I put it on and it is as if he was here. As if we are about to spend this night together.

Making my way out of the room I go upstairs. The house is so crowded. I love it though. It is all so beautiful. Family moments. I want to capture all this in a picture and hang it in my room back in college. Because sometimes I really miss that. Being part of a big family.

-Anne, honey! Can you give me hand in the kitchen?

I hear grandma saying and I shake my head of all the previous thoughts and I follow her in the kitchen.

-What do you want me to do?

-Grab that tray and place it on the dining table and I'll get the wine and we are ready to have that dinner.

-Alright.

I say before exiting the kitchen along with grandma.

-Come on everyone! It's dinner time.

Grandma says and everyone is trying to find their seats. We all seat almost in the same place every time. It's like the chair belongs to us ever since we were little kids.

I seat next to Caroline and my brother who is pouring wine on our glasses. Grandpa who is seating on the head of the table is getting up to make his usual toast.

-So... my dear children and grandchildren, Karen my lovely wife... I am so happy we are here for another year. I love this tradition. Us gathering around the table. I wait for this moment all year round. I wish you all a Happy New year full of joy, love and health. Salute!

Salute!

We all say and raise our glasses.

After that we all begin to eat. Grandma's food is impossible to resist. Everything she makes is absolutely delicious.

It is almost half an hour before the clock strikes midnight. We are all outside on the dock waiting for the New Year to come. I am sitting on a chair by the front of the dock along with all my cousins and Tom.

We are all discussing our New Year's resolutions. Caroline's idea of course.

-I want to go on a spring break vacation without Mom and Dad, I want to get my driver's license and I also want to go visit Anne to Plymouth.

Caroline says and everyone laughs on the license part because Caroline seriously can't drive. It is the most impossible thing according to her.

-Your turn!

Caroline says to Tom that seats next to her.

-Alright! I want early acceptance to Yale, I want a new car and go to a soccer match in Wembley Stadium in London. Anne you are up.

-Okay... I would like to go to Oxford this year and go to an Ed Sheeran concert. That's it.

I say, but the truth is that I want way more than that. I want no more drama. I want things to be simple and normal. But these, unfortunately, are things that I can't share.

I am looking at the sky. There are no stars tonight. I really wish that I could see them. I am closing my eyes and I try to imagine them as I did that night with Joe. I take his advice. He told me that night that even though we can't see the stars they are always there. I get the feeling that he is doing the same thing. He looks at the sky and thinks of me. I mean... Everything reminds me of him. Even the stars that I can't really see right now. That's how I know that Joe means the world to me.

-It is 10 minutes till the New Year arrives.

Tom tells and we all get up.

Caroline grabs me by the arm and we walk towards our parents.

-I love this time of the year. Especially these last minutes before the clock strikes midnight. I feel like...

I say and I continue to stare at the sky.

-The whole year passes in front of your eyes?

-Yeah. I say it every year, aren't I?

I ask Caroline and I can't shake that stupid smile off of my face.

-You do. But that's your charm cousin. I can't wait for the fireworks.

She says and I nod in agreement

Everyone is gathered on the dock. They are standing and talking to one another. We can see people on the other lake houses around standing as well on their docks.

-Let's go everyone!

– grandpa yells before he starts counting-

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Happy New Year!

We all yell and then the fireworks start to appear at the sky. The colors, the shapes, the noise that they make. I feel like something has been waken up inside me. I feel alive and excited. Two feelings that I can recall from my childhood. Two feelings that up to the age of eleven or twelve used to be my everyday reality but now I only feel them this day of the year.

I feel happy. Blessed. I don't want this smile to fade. Ever again.

That's going to be my New Year's resolution. To maintain this excited self. This smile. This happiness.

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