A Book of Words That Never Seem To Be Enough

Defeat

I wish I could pinpoint
The feeling
That slowly
Washes over me
Right now
At almost 3 in the morning.

My heartbeat is slow
Yet frantic.
The stars still shine
Because I can see them
Through my window
That lets me see into the night.

I lie in bed
Only one blanket
Covering me
But it's oddly enough
Even though I can see
The inches of snow
Piling onto my roof
Only a movement
Away.

Nothing is different
I am no different
Than the person
I was before
I decided to call it
A night.

I am no different
Than the person
I was five minutes ago
When I was watching
A show that had me
Hooked onto every word.

Nothing about this night
Is any different
Than any other night.

As I write this
I glance out
To the night sky
That almost seems
In my grasp.

It's strange though
That my room is darker
Than the lighting
Outside.

A grayness
That has sweeped over
All of its unsuspecting
Victims.

All of them asleep
Besides me.

It's comforting
In a way,
To know that
The world isn't always
A dark place.

A sliver
Of indifference.
A giant blanket
Blinding me from seeing
The different constellations.

As I try to come up
With words
I think of you.
Yes,
You.

It's been a while
Since we've talked.
Yet today
We did.

We're friends
We've always been friends.

Yet today,
You opened up to me
Even if for just a tiny
Piece of a second.

A portion
Of your thoughts
And feelings
That I'm usually
Not a part of.

I lost that privilege
Years ago when
Things didn't necessarily
Go right between us.

Yet we still fixed it
A clock that continues to break
But we can't seem
To let it go.
So we keep fixing it
No matter the cost
Or time that it takes

We fix it

I know I might have the chance
Of seeing you tomorrow.
I always look forward
To seeing you.

The chance at
Having your attention.
An old drum
Beating and pulsating
Through my veins.

It doesn't come often
Though
And I doubt you know
What I'm thinking
Every time that you're
Around.

You don't know
The way I seem to
Follow you
And grasp
And plead for
Your attention
Without ever looking
Out of place.

Or maybe you do.
Maybe you see
Right through me.

You see
That my smile
Becomes a little more
Wider when you're
Around.

You see
That my laughter
Gets a little
Louder.

Maybe you do see
The shadows of
My footsteps that
Fall in place after yours.

Or maybe
You have no idea.

We avoid each other
We hang out
We laugh
We talk

And then
We each move on
Waiting to speak
Until we see each other in a few
Weeks and that is that.

Maybe I'm
Overthinking it all.

I don't know which one
Of those options
I like better.

The one that
You know everything
And you're just
Playing me for a fool.

Or the one where
You see none
Of it and I've become
The master behind
It all.

No matter
How I feel
Or how you feel

Or
How I think
I feel

I am still awake
Writing this
For you

For me

Wanting answers
As to why I
Do any of this
Why I continue
To play in a game
Where I don't
Know if there
Are two players
Or one.

I've been playing
This game
For
Four years now

And maybe
I've just forgotten
How to stop
And don't know
when to call it
And accept my defeat.