A Book of Words That Never Seem To Be Enough

Unsent

Hi. I hope you are doing okay. I hope that you are not suffering the way I am. I keep trying to tell myself to leave it alone. To stop trying to get in more last words. I feel this pounding in my chest that will not be silenced. I want to tell you everything, I want to catch your attention. I want to do anything that will finally get you to stop and listen. I could write you hundreds of letters and they would never be enough, the words will only continue to grow as my heart breaks more. This loneliness is suffocating, I do not even remember how to breathe properly anymore. I try to convince myself to forget about you, to push myself away from the smiles and happiness. I can't. I thought I could but I can't. Why is this so hard? It wasn't supposed to be this hard. I told myself it wouldn't be this hard. I created this perfect story where I would forget about you and I would finally be happy. I would not cry, you would fight for me or just notice that I was gone. You didn't. That is what I think made this so unbearably hard, you didn't even notice that I left. You did not blink at my absence. I want to force you to notice that I left, I want you to ask me why I left. You won't. I know you won't. I have my moments of weakness, this is one of them. I hate that you don't care, you were supposed to care. You wrecked my plans and you do not even know it. You are the only person I know who could get away with this. Envy, that is what I can feel brimming underneath my dying, colorless skin. I am jealous because I know that I could never do what you are doing to me. My heart is well known with the sickening sounds of being torn to shreds, my ears are still ringing. I hate you. I want to force my fingers to write you a hateful goodbye to replace the goodbyes I wrote filled with love and regret. However, I know that even if I do write one I will end up deleting it. No matter how much anger and disdain grows in my heart, I will always choose love when it comes to you. Perhaps you don't even care what I do anymore, maybe you have completely wiped me from your memory. I am still trying to learn how to accept that your heart and mind are not in my control. Everything feels like a car crash in slow motion, and all I can do is scream and watch. Frozen with fear knowing that whatever happens will be out of my control, and that is what I hate. I'm sorry that I still can't let you go. I am sorry that I keep writing and writing and writing and sending and sending and sending and deleting and deleting and deleting. I hope one day you'll do me a favor and finally, just finally, let me say a proper goodbye.

More than anything, I owe myself an apology for thinking that this would be so easy.