A Book of Words That Never Seem To Be Enough

Letting Go

today,
i think i let you go.
today was the first day I thought about you
and i didn't try to call
or text
or even write something with
hurt written underneath.
i just thought about you
and i liked it.
i didn't think of a future with you
i only thought of the past
without the present.
i do not know if this is a good thing.
something continues to tick
tick tick
tick
in the back of my mind.
the possibility of you not being the bad guy
and letting myself forgive you
is something that my heart
continues to hold on to
desperately.
so desperately.
i do not tell anyone though,
i've decided that it'd be my secret
until my mind forgets
to remember it someday.
i liked you a lot.
i still do.
i know that i only made excuses for you
but the innocent parts in me,
those are the ones who still believe
in you.
they are the ones who still convince me of magic
and soul mates
and fairy tale endings
and princes.
the only way to stop my wishful thinking
is to get myself to stop thinking of you.
so i am still trying.
i try every single day.
it's really hard but i'm trying,
and i know that someday it'll be easier.
today proved that.
but today,
today i let you go.
i can still see you from a distance.
i can still make out your figure and see the wave
of your hand that i always imagined
would fit perfectly in mine.
i let you go but i am still here
on the shore
listening to the silence of the evening.
i am standing and moving with the waves
of the ocean,
the ones
drowning out the sounds of my wishfulness,
the parts that tell me to walk into the water
and swim out to your rickety boat.
the sky fades out with bruises
of colors
and i only continue to stand
and watch.
i let you go,
but i know that someday
i will finally be able to stop watching
and turn around and finally
walk away