It's Him I love

Do I Deserve?

V

"TAE HYUNNGGGGGG!!" Kook screamed from our room. I was sitting on the stairs talking to Jin. It's his birthday. I can't believe he spent almost two hours of his birthday speaking to me. He may not keep me this close to his heart if he knew what was in my mind. After all, I am falling in love with him. Yes. I am falling in love with him. 

Me..
The orphan
The abused
The street-guy
The good for nothing guy

loves

The perfect
The angelic
The godly
The kindhearted
Jin.

I walked back to our room with these thought in my mind.

"Where did you go?" Kook asked me as soon as I entered the room.

"I was sitting outside."

"I didn't get to wish Jin hyung. You said you will give me the phone after you speak"

"Yeah...but I forgot. Sorry. We are meeting him for dinner right? You can wish him then."

"ok."

There prevailed a silence for approximately two seconds.

"Hyung?"

"Hm?"

"Are you going to tell Jin hyung?"

"About?"

"About... what happened in the club..."

I want to tell him. That's the only part of my life that he doesn't know, well except the fact that I am in love with him. I don't know how he will take it. Anyone will find it traumatizing. I wouldn't have let Namjoon hyung or Kook know about it, if hyung wasn't involved in it. But he was and so they know now. But I really have never spoken about it to anyone. How do I even talk to people about it. It wasn't like I was kid and didn't know what was happening. I knew and yet u couldn't help myself. I couldn't run away. I was weak. I was done with life.

"Hyung?" Kook asked bringing me back from my thoughts.

"I....I don't know Kook. I don't think he will like what he hears."

"But you said you love him."

"Ofcourse I do. But I am never gonna tell him that?"

"Tell him about the incident or tell him about your love ?"

"Love."

"Hyung? So you are just gonna hang out with him until he finds a life partner ?"

"Kook! He is not gay. Even if he is, he will never be mine. He won't love someone like me. So what's the use?"

"Wow. That's splendid hyung. You can't be serious. I don't care if you tell about your love to him. But don't lose your self esteem for anything. You are a great human being. You need to understand that."

Kook has always been my support system.  When Namjoon hyung brought me back from the club, kook just sat for hours hugging me. He cried with me. He is younger to me by two years but sometimes he is like an elder brother. He gives me support like no one and I can't thank him enough for that. But I can't agree with him this time.

I am not great.

I am a boy who was raped by five men in a club into which I entered illegally.
I deserved it.
I deserved the pain.
I deserved this fuck*d-up life.

But do I deserve Jin? I don't think so.