It's Him I love

The Unexpressed 1

V

He stood there looking at me again.
His face was serious and his look was deadly. I felt like he could kill me with his eyes. They sure had that power.

"Jin" I called him with a slight whining tone. I needed his lips. I needed him to be closer.

"So you had these feelings and yet you lied?" he asked in a stern voice.

"huh?"

"You didn't understand my question?" he asked with his poky eyes and I couldn't help but sulk. I feel threatened a bit.

"I..... Jin....I"

"Please don't say anything if you are going to lie again." he said as he kneeled down facing me. I got down from the bed and kneeled facing him. I knew I must lie and sitting this close to him was just not gonna let me do it. Yet, I decided to give him a comforting feel when I lie to his face.

"I didn't lie. I mean... this was something every man would respond to." I lied.

"Oh, so I am not special?" he asked making me feel a prick in my heart.

"I didn't mean like that."

"I know you like me. I hope you love me. I don't want to force it out of you. I just want you to be honest."

I didn't know how to respond to that. He was being reasonable with his request but I was a scaredy-cat.

"It's better this way Jin."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"You better be honest."

"Why do you even love me? My life is pathetic and being my boyfriend is just going to hurt you more and more. You don't have to date someone like me."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of it?"

"I know my life better Jin."

"Is that why you were crying all these days?"

I didn't know how to answer that. How did he knew what I was doing? Did Namjoon hyung or Kook tell him?

"Can you please stop hurting yourself and accept that you love me?" he asked not waiting for my answer.

"Why? So that I can hurt you as well? No. I don't want to." I will sure do. I will disappoint him as well.

"You know what? I hate you so much for making me love you so much. I am gonna be there next to you until the end of the line, no matter what."

"I won't let you."

"You can try idiot."

and he kissed me like never before.

He deepened the kiss and this time I couldn't let him take control of me. I wanted to kiss him back but I kept my senses under control and pushed him away from me. I couldn't do this to us anymore. I will tell him the truth and will let him take his decision. I am sure he is going to leave but at least I will know the result of this whole thing. I don't want to hurt him anymore without giving him any explanation. It's better to be honest with him and let him leave me on his own.

"I will tell you the truth. You can decide whether or not you want this after that" I said.

"Yes please. Tell me Tae. Tell me. What's the truth that made you question my sincere feelings?"

"I was raped."

His eyes widened. He was at a complete shock. I was expecting him to look at me with a disgusting feel but I am glad it was just shock. I am sure my further explanation will provide him the disgusting feel.

"Yes Jin. You love someone who was raped not by one but by five."

His shook expression was no gone and I am sure there were more confused than before.

"What happened Tae?" he asked with a polite tone.

I decided to tell him everything.

"I was sixteen then. It was the peak of my rebel life. Kook and Namjoon hyung were just good friends to me then. I just started living with them but masculinity was giving me some hope that I can live my life on my own terms. I made some terrible decisions like starting to steal things, hitting people etc. I even started drinking during that time. I stole my first drink from a car trunk parked in the neighborhood. I broke it, you know! I was a terrible person Jin. I was so terrible that the world gave me the punishment the most brutal way I deserved."

"Please tell me what happened ?"

"Being the rebel I was, I decided to do strip dancing in the underground bar. The man incharge saw me near the railway station one day and asked me if I were a student. When I said no, he asked me if I would love to do a job. He told me he will pay me every day and the amount was something I couldn't get even after working the whole month. Being an underage teenager, I didn't get a lot of jobs either. So I took the job. The club was basically for men. It wasn't a gay club but you can sure see so many horny men there. After all many were just curious. In fact working there made me realise I was gay in the first place. I used to like that men liked me. I felt like I was succeeding at something. I felt like I was not completely useless. After all they thought I was sexy and I was getting paid well. The best part of the club was we strippers always had our limits. We were never forced to do anything we weren't willing to. There were girls too but we all treated pretty much the same. Men enjoyed all kinds of strip teases and everything about the club made me feel better about myself until that one day."

He didn't say anything and so I continued.