Satisfaction [NCT]

12. [TW]

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(trigger warning, please take caution and stop reading if it gets too much, Chapter 12. Part B will have the summary)
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Dear Jaehyun,

You have been my best friend for years. You helped me through experiences where you didn't even know what was going on. All I had to do was tell you how I felt and you would be there for me. You were there throughout my mother's marriage and the eventual divorce, even though you didn't know what was wrong until 4 months after it had happened. It didn't matter what was going on in my life, if I didn't feel well, you would comfort me, even if you were not given a reason.

I know I don't have the worst life. In fact, in many ways I'm privileged. I have my mom, I have you, and I know that someone would've wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Together, you and Yeri gave me a reason to stay alive, to believe good things come out of this life. This support to go on is more than some people have ever had, yet I feel I am making the right decision tonight.

Although I listed multiple reasons for me to stay alive, only one of them is convincing enough for me to not go through with it. You. I wish you would stop caring about me, because then I wouldn't feel this guilt for failing you. I don't feel guilty for failing my mom, she failed me multiple times. Soon, my mom will be happy with someone else, a man who likes my mom better if I'm not with her. I do feel guilty for failing Yeri, but this way we can be together forever as we had planned. You are the one I am leaving behind, and I feel guilty for causing you to be alone. You lifted me out of a dark place, showing me the light that you see in the world. I once saw that light too, it is very beautiful and I wish it was easier for me to reach, but it is not.

After Yeri left, I fell back in the darkness. This time, I'm not sure I have the strength to get back up. I feel as though for the rest of my life, I will be fighting, trying to get out of the darkness and see a little light, only to be pushed back down. This time is actually much different than before. This time, the darkness is comforting. The closer I got to the light, the more I saw. Busy people all with different motivations and intentions. The world became very complex in my eyes. After falling, I saw the world how it was before. Everything was straight forward, just darkness. Everything seemed bad because everything looked bad, but this comforted me.

This is the long and extended reason for what is about to happen to me.

All I know how to say at this point, is I'm sorry. I am so sorry for not being the strong person you need and want. I'm sorry for overwhelming you with my problems, to not even take time to think of yours. I realize now how much of a burden I was. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I will never know how you truly feel on the inside, because I've never asked you. I am so sorry for being such a terrible friend, ignoring you so I could be with Yeri, not even thinking about the fact that she was your friend first.

You are the reason I found Yeri, you brought me into the light so I could see her, and eventually this allowed me to fall in love with her. I saw a future, where I would be married to Yeri, we would have two children, you would be their uncle, maybe have children of your own, even though I know you could never see yourself as a parent, but I could. Because of you, I have been able to imagine life experiences I never thought were possible, or that I thought I would even want.

Jaehyun, you truly have a gift in this world. You make the shittiest, most depressing days lighter. You can turn the worst people into the best. You're the best friend I could ever ask for, sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve you. You have never given up on me, even in times where I had given up on myself, you were always there to help me get back on my feet. For that, I am forever grateful.
And forever sorry.

Although I know I can't tell you what to do, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't cry because of me. You played such a huge role in helping me improve myself and get back up after falling. Don't ever feel like you could've done more. I'll admit, I knew you set alarms for 2 am every night so that you could wake up and make sure I'm okay. That in itself lets me know you care about me.

This is also the reason I turned today's alarm off. I didn't want you to wake up at 2 am, because I knew you would be able to stop me. I don't want to be stopped. I have been planning this night for a while, so don't blame my death on something you didn't do.
None of this is your fault.

I am very sorry for what comes next. All I ask is for you to never feel as if you failed me. You didn't. You never have. I still believe you never will. You are the best thing to happen to this world, the light in a pitch black room, and I'm honored to have gotten to be such a huge part of your life.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I want you to know that somehow, over the past month, you have made me happy. Through such a terrible event, I have felt brief joy with you. I just wish I could get rid of all the pain and guilt I feel for her death. I know you say it's not my fault, but it is. I caused our argument. It's my fault she was upset that night, and I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to live. I caused her death, and I deserve to die.

So here it is. This is the end of the road. It has been a journey, and I'm glad to have met you. You have a great life ahead of you, I'll always be with you, cheering you along through any dark times you face. I know you are strong enough to get through anything. I hope you never forget me, because I could never forget you, Jaehyun.

I love you. Stay strong. And enjoy the rest of your long life.
You deserve it.

- Doyoung -