Satisfaction [NCT]

44.

———

December 3,

I think... I think I am happy. I might not be overly happy, but I can tell, there is some joy in my life. I want to tell this piece of joy how I feel, but I'm scared it'll fade away if I do that. How do I make sure it never fades?

He makes me happy. Happier than I have been in the past 6 months. 2 weeks ago was the 6 month anniversary of Yeri's passing. To celebrate, I stayed in my bed and cried all day, stopping only for 10 minutes to eat a small snack my mom brought me. In a week, I will do the same exact thing for Doyoung.

It's not that the pain has gone away, it most definitely hasn't. Sometimes it feels like it got worse, but I've noticed one thing. Whenever I'm with him, I don't feel the pain. Its not that I forget about the pain, I just don't feel it. That's healthy right? I think so. I love spending time with him, he makes me feel better about myself. I'm just scared that he's still only here out of pity. It's not like I'm a scared little boy in a new school who still can't fully speak the language and also recently had the only two people that mattered to him die, one of which he could've saved... that's definitely not me...

I could just ask him if he's friends with me out of pity but then he could easily lie to me. I'd rather have the unknown than believe a lie. I think I'm going to tell Taeyong I like him. I should. I know I should. I should've done it weeks ago, I'm just- scared. What if he leaves? What if things get awkward between us? Would he stay my friend? I honestly don't know. I'm too scared of the unknown.

———

His messy hair and lack of effort was obvious to Jeno and Renjun.

Two nights ago Haechan kicked Jeno out after Mark had come over. He couldn't be seen by his friends after that.

"Where were you yesterday?" Renjun asked him. "I saw you in class but you weren't here for lunch."

"I just... I didn't feel good." Haechan said. Jeno nudged Renjun to stop talking. The room got quiet and awkward between the friends.

"Have you talked to him?" Jeno asked quietly. Haechan looked up with an expression that looked like he was on the verge of breaking down.

"What do you thin-nk?" His voice broke at the end.

"Has he tried?" He shook his head.

"Jaemin said he won't talk to him." Jeno explained. "He's been trying but he's ignoring him."

"Good for Jaemin." Haechan muttered. "He doesn't have to deal with that shit."

-meanwhile-

Jaemin was sitting in class, trying to hide his phone as he texted Mark for the fifth time today with no response.

JM: Mark answer me
I didn't do anything wrong
You can't be pissed at everyone
I'm literally here to help you
You are just hurting me by ignoring me, please just answer

Mark's phone kept buzzing as he prepared himself to do the thing he has been pushing off. The constant texts from Jaemin were just reminders, he needed to do this. He knew he did.

It's just so hard.

He saw Xiyeon sitting with a group of friends. He had been preparing for this all lunch but could he? Mark panicked. What if he couldn't do it? He had to. Do it for Haechan. He took a deep breath before standing from his seat.

"I'll be back." He whispered to Taeyong. He made his way over to the girl he was dating. "Xiyeon, I need to talk to you." He said.

"What do you need?" She asked sweetly in front of everyone at her table.