[You Have No Idea]

20

I don't liiike this chapter, it makes me cringe.

Don't consider it canon for now..

"I didn't save you.."

She hugged me carefully.
And I slowly relaxed. She knew now and I couldn't change that.

"What did she do? Please tell me.."

".."

"She.. touched you.. not just in a violent way, right?"

And my relaxing plan went to shit.

"Please just tell me,.. I don't want to hurt you anymore.."

".. y-yes.."

"Okay, multiple times?"

"Hmm.."

"And .. how.. far did she... go?"

"...."

"All ..?"

"Yah."

It was almost too silent to be heard, but if course she did hear it..

"Was it just her? Or did that other-"

She stopped herself mid sentence.

"No .. just her .."

My voice got even quieter.
I could basically hear her thinking about missing anything.

"You're not crying.."

"I can't.."

"Wait, .. the bathroom was that ... related?"

"Hm."

"Okay, can I kiss you.. or does that make you uncomfortable?"

"It's fine .."

I felt her lips on my head immediately.
Her smell found it's way to my nose and I let out a soft sigh.

"You need to tell me, whenever what I'm doing feels bad or scares you.. okay? Promise me .."

"I promise.."

She kept thinking.

"You still don't want to go to the police, right?"

"I don't. "

"Okay, that's fine... let's get you back on the sofa.."

She helped me up and held me there, since my legs were still fucking useless.

"You okay?"

"Yeah..."

Then she just stopped.

"Did she threaten you? Is that why you wanted to go back?"

"No."

"Then why?"

I let go of her hand and she winced.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me."

"The longer I stay away, the angrier she will be, once I come back."

"And you never thought about running away?"

A hot tear rolled down my cheek.

"And where exactly would I go? A shelter for homeless people? Where the police would just pick me up and do whatever they want with me?"

"You can come to me now..."

"You don't-... You have no idea..."

"No. I don't. Apparently I have no idea who you are anymore.. I'm sorry."

I let go of all her support and stumbled forwards.

"What did you tell her, when she was here?"

"That I'm not sure where you are either. I said that you told me you were safe... she didn't really care about that.. but she came here for you..
.. why?"

I disintegrated. I let myself move down on the sofa and then stared into nothingness.

"Did she say something else?"

"Well she didn't really believe me, wanted into the bathroom.. and see the whole appartment.. but nothing else."

"I don't understand.. why now?"

Hanna sat down next to me.
I stared for a while and then took out my phone with shaking hands.
A few missed calls, a few texts.
I opened the chat with my mother. Most of the text were just about her not leaving a voice mail. But the last one left me falling into an abyss.

'It's Connor.'

What did that mean? Was he back? Have they found him? Is he ..? Or did they just get a new lead?
Fuck.
This was the perfect way to get me home.

Hanna touched my arm and my head turned fast enough to see, that she had been talking to me. Now she just looked at me with a questioning, concerned look.

I opened my mouth but I couldn't talk. The words wouldn't come out. I wanted to tell her about Connor and at the same time didn't.
Feeling like a fish, I closed it again and looked away.
My phone had turned off and my legs weren't trustworthy yet.

This was torture. Hanna moved closer and caressed my cheek.

"Are you still tired?"

The last thing I could do right now was sleep. I shook my head, still looking away. Suddenly I felt her hot breath on my neck and right after her soft lips.
When I turned around she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"Hanna, I'm sorry I-"

Her tears fell down, I stopped talking and turned away again. I made her cry again, how fucked up am I?!
Horrible, terrible, horrible, terrible being. My lungs hurt and demanded air, but I refused.
How could I?
I lost them all. Every single one of them. Maybe I should just leave.

My body started slipping down, but Hanna held me back.

"You're not leaving after saying this.."

Her voice was shaking and I couldn't look at her for one second. How am I so stupid?
How how how terrible can someone be?

My eyes were burning and my breath going in a heavy rhythm.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I.. I'm so sorry. Sorry sorrysorrysorry I-"

"Shut up! LOOK AT ME!"

I couldn't.

"Look. At. Me."

My sight blurred and I still refused.
Then her cold fingers held my chin and turned my face.
She was still crying, but smiling.

"What are you apologizing for?"

"I .. I made you cry again.."

"Yes, you did. You idiot."