[You Have No Idea]

26

Hi chickens, I'm back. This one just a lot of talking, but shorter. Ignore the cringe, if you can. Hanna just needs some things to be said.

"Katie?"

"Yes?"

Her face came up in front of mine.

"If we ever ... do more than just kissing, I need you to tell me immediately when it's too much. Do you understand? Even now.. Don't think twice about it.."

"Okay.. "

I answered softly, unsure if I'll ever have to stop her.
Both our breaths were going heavier now and I got red thinking about where her body was touching me.

But she rolled off in the next moment and I was left staring at the ceiling.

"So that means.. it's really true now.."

"What do you mean?"

I looked at her.

"I'm the only one left now,.. the only one to hate.."

"You mean your mother? .. I don't think even she could hate you right now. She just lost her son.. she's going through her own pain right now..
I'm not trying to defend her... What I'm saying is, don't worry about her. I'll protect you."

I stared into the void.
Her voice has been so serious lately..

"Will you come with me?"

"I'll go wherever you go.."

"To the funeral too?"

She took my hand and kissed my wrist.

"Of course, Katie."

..

"Isn't it .. exhausting for you? .. Taking care of me all the time? I know I used to be.. different."

"It is not exhausting. You need someone, with all the things you have to get through at the moment.. I am more than happy to be that someone."

"Hanna.. "

"What is it, love?"

She got alarmed by my quivering voice..

"I .. "

Hanna came closer, so close her breath was hitting my ear.

And my voice finally broke down to a raw whisper.

"I don't know how to.. give back everything you're doing for me..
I can't give you what you want,...
I can't be your girlfriend in public,
I can't help you with ANYTHING, because I'm young and stupid and pathetic.
I can't do anything for you because as soon as I wake up, someone died
or mother shows up
or I just start shaking for no reason and you have to take care of me all the time, like I'm a baby and you- you you.. youyouyou-"

"Stop it. Katie."

Her hand wandered to the rim of my shirt and I gasped in fear..

"Listen to me. I'm not going to hurt you."

Her hand slowly slipped under it and her warm hand rested on my stomach, I didn't dare to breath.

"You are terrified right now, which is completely justified, but you're trusting me.. You always trust me, even when I went too far before.
That means more than anything to me. No one else on earth could ever give me this. ..
I love you.
And knowing you trust me is so much more than enough."

I slowly exhaled, surprised by the fact that this has actually calmed me a lot.

"What do you think I want from you?"

I was caught be surprised and a hot wave ran down my back... I didn't think she'd ask about that.

".. you know.. like .. in-intimate .. stuff.. like..-"

"Like sex? You think I want sex from you?"

I let out the tiniest "yeah", while looking away as much as possible.

Then I heard her laugh brightly and felt embarrassed. How stupid was I, to say that out loud..

"Oh Katie-"

She kissed my cheek a few times.

"My sweet Katie.. forgive me for laughing. I'm sorry, if I gave you that impression.
I don't expect anything like that from you.. of course, if you want that, that's something else, but you don't ow me anything.. especially not sex."

She kissed me again

"I'm sorry, love. What I was saying earlier wasn't meant to .. imply anything that I expect..
I just want you to show me your boundaries..
I know you don't like where my hand is right now and I understand that.. but you'll have to tell me whenever anything I do ... feels wrong..
You are in control of your body.. I only get what you give me..
I'm worried that you'll hesitate with.. the things that have been done to you.."

She sighed loudly.

"I feel strongly about you and might not be aware if I .. overstep your boundaries.. do you understand?"

".. yes.."

"I don't expect you to give me more of you than you actually feel comfortable with.. that's all... why do you feel like I want that..?"

I opened my mouth hoping for words to work on their own but like always, they fail you when you need them the most..