[You Have No Idea]

29

The rest of the evening we spent playing board games and listening to music. There wasn't much talking.

Hanna kept close by my side. Like she was starving for physical contact.

Sometime after midnight she dragged me to bed and we were swallowed by the dark.

Another dream free sleep.
But I woke up right after dawn again.
It was raining outside. The snow was nearly gone.

"You're up early.."

Her voice was heavy and slow.

"Hmm.."

I got up and left for the toilet.

I knew I was cold towards her and felt bad. But at the same time, there was a numbness in my head that I just couldn't shake off.
It was so frustrating and when I let it, the anger threatened to eat me inside out.

She shouldn't get to see too much of it.

My feet brought me to the couch, where I stared outside.

A faint memory of Connor and I playing outside. Trees and stone pathways. Earth and ants. The smell of rain and snails.

I almost felt my hands digging in dry dirt, when my thoughts got interrupted by the buzzing of my phone.
It was placed facing down on the table right next to me.

Someone was calling.
I slowly reached out and turned it.

'Mother'

I let it keep buzzing.
My eyes wandered back outside.

The buzzing stopped. Then it went again.
Just a text this time.

I opened it.
She had left a voice mail.
My thumb started shaking slightly as I hesitated for a moment.

I pressed play.

"Katherine. .. It is all taken care of. The funeral will be held on the 22nd, 4pm, next to your father."

Three days. In just three days.

My hand fell down and dropped the phone.

The rain had stopped and some sunshine broke through the clouds.

I heard a faint pair of bare feet approaching.
The couch gave in to new weight behind me and I let it pull me into her arms.

She bent over to kiss my face.
Her hair tickling my cheeks.

"I'll come with you."

She whispered and I knew she heard all of it.

"Thank you.."

My voice was even less than her whisper..

All my willpower had left me.
I pressed myself harder against her and she pulled me into her lap.

"Are you alright, love?"

She was warm. So heavenly warm. I needed her closer.

My hands slowly slipped under her shirt and rested on her bare skin.
My fingers felt ice cold compared to it.

It was a coldness that had been taking over my heart.
I shivered.

I tried shaking it off when it kept happening, but it only grew stronger until my whole body was shaking.

Hanna was talking to me. She stayed unheard and decided to take matters into her own hands.

A blanket was pulled over me, then she stopped for a second but proceeded to get out of her shirt.

She pulled me against her glowing torso and wrapped the blanket around us.

I hid my head under the the cover and laid it on her chest, clinging onto her like my life depended on it.

Her face soon joined me below and her hand caressed my head in a soothing manner.

And finally the shaking started going down.

"You're okay.. you're okay.."

She mumbled quietly.
Her lips pressed softly against my forehead when I lifted my head a bit.

My eyes opened, first only slightly and then wide with shock.
I hadn't realised it before, I was clinging to her bare chest..

I let go of her, blushing furiously and tried to get some distance. To get out of her lap even.

But she caught me and laughed brightly.

"There you are. Don't run away now, love... I don't mind it, okay?"

I looked away, still red.

"Katie.."

She took my hand and laid it back on her burning skin.

I was starting to get cold again.

"Katie you can touch me if you want to.. I can see you're getting cold again.."

I hesitated and didn't dare moving closer again, even though I now wanted to.

She grabbed the blanket that was still wrapped around me and pulled me back against her.
She leaned back until I laid on top of her and fixed the blanket underneath both our weight, so that I was effectively bound to her.

It was quiet for a while, I tried to get comfortable and to ignore my loud heartbeat.

Hanna slowly touched my face and drew lines on it to distract me from what was directly under me.

Then she stopped and cupped on of my cheeks.

"Where does your father lie?"

I swallowed and tensed.

"Blackhill."

She smiled softly and carefully pulled my face closer to hers, our lips almost touching..

"You never told me what happened to him.."

"He.. got shot."

We were both whispering.

Her lips finally captured mine.