[You Have No Idea]

7

She stopped on the middle of biting into her toast. I had seen how she almost dropped her knife. Now she put it down slowly. I knew she was staring at me intensively, but I avoided looking at her for even a split second.
..

We had been bickering and snuggling in bed for a while before, but in the end, we had abandoned it to have breakfast. And ten minutes later, I had let out, what I had been thinking from the second I woke up this morning.

"I need to leave today."

I had expected a reaction like this but .. that didn't mean I had figured out what to do then.

"Already? Do you want to or do you have to? Did she say something to you because I will-"

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine. She's probably.. worried.."

I could barely believe myself, but she seemed angry and I needed to stop her.
She was still staring.

"There's something you're not telling me. Why would you want to go back there?"

She shifted.

"It's still my .. home."

"You didn't deny it.."

She grabbed my hand.

"You didn't deny that you're keeping something from me."

".."

"Katie?!"

I felt panic dripping into her voice.

"Mrs Snow I-"

Her grip tightened and I knew exactly how much I had just hurt her. My lip was quivering as well.

"I have to-"

"Why are you pushing me away again?! Katie.. I'm here. I told you, I will help you with everything. I'm here for you, just talk to me."

My lungs squeezed out all air and refused to take in any.
Snow was standing now, one hand still holding onto me.
I know she is freaking out.

For some moments I was drowing. My throat filled with sour water and my stomach became a dense knot.
Then my legs finally kicked in and I ran to the toilet. I made it just in time to empty my guts completely.
My hair was held back and my back was being stroked in a calming manner.

Once I was done turning inside out, I collapsed on the floor, panting heavily.
She brought me a glass of water and checked my temperature.

"Okay.. if you need to go back, I'll come with you."

Her voice was soft and rough, on the edge of breaking.
Mine was too.

"Thank you."

She kissed my forehead again, longer than before, more desperate.

"It's gonna be okay, alright?"

"Hm."
...

Half an hour later I felt much better and she had packed my stuff in the car.
We dressed and made our way to it. Inside she gave me a last questioning look, which I only answered with a distant nod.

It didn't take long, but by the time we arrived, my hands were shaking.
She kissed my cheek and we got out. There were no words for this feeling pulsing through my veins. You'd expect fear or anxiety, but it was just white, hot nothingness.

She stood directly behind me, when I turned the key in the lock. I stepped inside hesitantly and looked around.
Some empty bottles on the table in the kitchen, some more in the living room. Some leftover takeout. Some dirty dishes.

I checked her bedroom, while she followed me like a dog.
Her bed was empty and her sheets cold.
And finally we went up to my room and the bath.

The latter was empty as well. My room looked a bit torn, but not a lot. The bed was roughed up and my drawers were open. My desk was untouched.
I let out a deep sigh and felt her wrapping her arms around me.

"Come back with me. We can confront her later. Please just come back with me."

I leaned back into her and closed my burning eyes.

"I can't. You don't need to do anything to her, it's not your responsibility. She's my mother. She won't kill me. I can handle her."

"What is it, that you aren't telling me?"

For a second my thoughts flickered to the room next door.

"Is it about her hurting you?"

I pulled myself away and started closing the drawers.

" You should go.."

She let herself fall on my bed and kept observing me.

" You spend two days at my place, I think I'm gonna stay. "

I opened the window and stapeled dirty clothes in a corner.

"Your window is facing south.."

" Yeah. I don't like it either."

Then I went downstairs and started collecting all the empty bottles in box. She sat on the stairs and watched me for minute.

" Can I help? "

" Well if you really want to.. someone needs to prepare for washing the dishes."

" On it."

Her hand slightly touched my shoulder when she walked into the kitchen.
I took care of the leftovers and then joined her in the kitchen.
I wasn't going to actually let her do our dishes.

" She didn't decorate as much as before..."

I carefully dragged her away from the sink and took over.

"She didn't decorate anything. "