[You Have No Idea]

21

"Because you called me Hanna again. "

She looked at me with such a sad smile, I only could bear it with closed eyes.

Hanna pulled me against herself and gently caressed my arms. She was shaking. I found myself hugging her tightly. One of those hugs that make you feel like you're the only one who matters in that moment.

She kissed the parts of my head she could reach, breathing heavily.

"This is the most exhausting day in my life."

I whispered quietly into her body, almost expecting her to be unable to understand. But of course she did.
A heavy sigh escaped her shivering lips.

"But also one of the best... since you're here."

She forced me to look her in the eyes and leaned in to kiss me painfully slow. There was so much longing and love in that kiss, it overwhelmed me and made me tear up.

Her hand was resting on my cheek when we pulled away, keeping our foreheads against each others.

"I love you too Katie."

I felt like I was in the middle of a free fall on a rollercoaster. Here was the most beautiful, softest woman in the world right in front of me, telling me she loves me.

"I'm gonna keep crying forever, if you don't stop..."

She frowned.

"Not under my watch."

Hanna got up, leaving me anxious for a moment. She picked me up and carried me to the bedroom to lay me down carefully again.

"Is this okay?"

Froozen in the middle of letting go she searched for my eyes.

I gave a quick nod and buried my fingers deep in the mattress when she walked away. My body curled up under the blanket.

A few minutes later I heard her quiet steps returning and something being put on the night stand.

The mattress got pushed down, when she settled in next to me. Hanna joined me under the blanket and her fingertips found my face.

She started circling again, making me sighing with exhaustion. Her hands started pulling away mine from my face and she moved closer.

Her warmth allowed me to relax and uncurl a bit.
This was was safety feels like. I followed my sudden urge to look up to her face and found her smiling down lovingly, eyes half closed.

But she noticed my distress and returned my gaze full of worry.
I robbed as close as I could get and tried to shake off the light tremble, that started seconds ago.

My forehead was touching her chest and I felt an enormous heat travelling up to my cheeks. But I needed her to be close. Closer than ever.

She placed one hand softly on my hips and the other one behind my head, holding me tightly. The tears on my face had dried and my whole body was still aching.

That is the last thing I remember before drifting off into a dark warm void.

The morning was different. I woke up with adrenalin in my veins. Hannas hand had fallen of my side but mine had found its way to arm. I slowly rolled back out of bed, fighting blurry eyes.

Before leaving the room, I checked if she was still sleeping and was hit by the sight for a moment.
Bright sunlight fell through the window on her hair and silhouette, making her look like an angel. The bed screamed for me to come back and settle into that perfect spot right next to her.

But I didn't listen.

I needed to check my phone.

I saw it blinking with new notifications from the hallway and sped up my careful sneaking.

After almost falling over the rug, I finally reached it and unlocked it as fast as possible.

A few apps, social media and game notification and.. a new text from her.

I opened it with shaking hands.

'He's dead. And it's your fault.'

My lungs cramped for a second, my phone fell down and the world zoomed out. There was a high pitched ringing somewhere in the background.

This could not be happening.
I bit down hard on my teeth. I thought about standing up but my legs were wobbly.

She must be lying. There's no chance this is the reality I'm living in. Pictures of his face flashed in front of me. I heard him laughing.

My arms started pressing on my stomach trying to bring some kind calmness to it.
I closed my eyes and just sat for a few minutes.

Then I made my way to the kitchen, unsure why. I got a glass of water and stared at it.
For minutes.
I put it down when the urge to smash it became too strong.

After that I stared at it even more, when I could finally look away, I got another one. I was still thirsty.
But again I stopped mid air and could only stare.

I thought about how satisfying it would be to just grip harder and harder until the glass would give away under the pressure.
How satisfying it would be, to see this perfect little thing shatter on the floor.

But I couldn't. These were her glasses.

I put it down. Staring at all the empty glases in the cupboard.
Then I knew what I had to do.