[You Have No Idea]

4

After I finished the tea and even ate some bananas she sat on the ground and made me lay down. Her smiling face inches from mine, she gently brushed over my hair and watched me fall asleep slowly.
...

I woke up feeling sick. It was dark and I was alone.
Sitting up my head started spinning and regret rushed through me.

Once it had calmed down, I took out my phone and cringed at all the missed calls. But besides that, everything seemed normal.

I stared into the dark for a while, until I decided to visit the toilet. Standing up, my head came back with it's swinging and I felt like falling back down. Luckily I remembered, where the bathroom is and made my way there slowly, trying to ignore the spinning.

When I was finished and stepped into the hallway again, I wasn't alone anymore.

I could make out Mrs Snows silhouette on the opposite wall.
I stared at her for a while, unsure what to do or say, but she decided for me once again.

She pulled me into a careful hug and for a second, I got lost in her welcoming smell. Then she started walking without letting go of me or saying anything.

When I recognised the room she brought me to as her bedroom, I got tense. The last time we shared a bed, felt like an eternity away. All the pain crawled up my throat again.

But she kept me in her arms, humming softly. She took off my pullover and went to take off my shirt too, but I refused.
Her hands wandered to my pants and my breath hitched in fear.

She stopped and hugged me again.

"I'm sorry. It's okay. "

She whispered in my ear and pulled me down to the bed with her. While she was placing blankets over us, I saw  that she was only wearing a big shirt and, I believe, panties.

Heat rushed to my face as she snuggled close to me and caressed my cheek and arm.

"If it's too much just let me know.. it's fine.."

I felt her eyes glued to me.

"There's some water to your left if you need it ... good night, love."

And again I was blushing hard, she used to say that all the time.

"Good night. "

My voice was raspier and quieter than I expected, but I felt a huge smile creep on her face anyway.
She watched over me, while I fell asleep, like before.
...

I woke up again shortly after that, chucked half of the water down and spent some time staring at the ceiling.

Then I drifted off, only to wake up half an hour later. I drank the rest of the water and listened to her slow breathing.

The next time I woke up, I had had a nightmare. It was still dark outside, but I was restless.
As quietly as possible, I got out and ended up in the kitchen.

I sat at the counter for a bit, then my legs took over and I started walking in circles. Over and over again, unable to stop, I got lost in my thoughts about clouds.
For a while it helped. I was occupied and a bit calmer, but something was bothering me.

Then she raised her voice:
"What are you doing?"

My head snapped up and found her face.
Her eyes were dark, her brows pushed together, while she was leaning against the wall. She spoke so defeated.

I stopped pacing and poured myself a glass of water.
Her eyes followed every of my movements.

"Wanna watch dawn together?"

I gave her a tiny smile and followed her to the couch.
She sat and signed me to sit between her legs. There was a huge glass door to the balcony, pointing east. Snow pulled a blanket over us and made me lean into her.

"Perfect. "

Her hands were drawing slow circles on my hands and arms, as we watched the blue sky gradually brightening up.

"Am I still Hanna for you?"

I knew what she meant, but a yes would be a lie, so I kept quiet.
There was difference between Hanna and Mrs Snow. Hanna was the woman I loved, Mrs Snow was the one, that hurt me more than anybody else.

She kissed my neck, then I felt something hot dripping on me.
I turned my head and saw her crying.

"I'm sorry, you are the one that needs me, I shouldn't be .."

She whiped away the tears. But I was frozen, now I felt even more helpless.
Before I could stop it, I felt some tears escape as well.

"Oh no nono, you don't need to cry for me."

She desperately pulled me closer,  whiping away my endless tears. But her voice broke too and we both became a crying mess, holding each other.

"I'm so sorry I left you, I'm so so sorry.."

We kept sobbing for a while but she calmed down soon, gave me some handkerchiefs and breathed in deeply.

"The sun is coming. "

I turned and her arms wrapped around me, as we watched the sun rise higher and higher.
This was enough exhaustion for me to completely drift off into a dreamless sleep.
....

When I opened my eyes again, I was still lying in her arms, the balcony was completely in the shadow. It must have been hours.