Morning Blushes

chapter two

It's our break time and kind of my free time. Tinitignan ko ang bulletin board to check the activities for the entire month. I saw this activity that captured my whole attention. I read every detail carefully. It is an audition for a school play. It's a musical play. I don't usually participate in any kind of school activity that isn't required. But this one sounds interesting to me. Especially this is the first time they will conduct a musical play.

For some reason, I want to try this. The first time I saw it, I am having the idea already. This is the only thing I'm passionate about, I guess. This is the type of music I grew up listening to. Not everyone knows but I would geek out when it comes to musicals. My father and I bonded over these. 

But there are a lot of reasons why I should disregard this whole idea. First one, of course, I need to focus on my studies. That's the first rule. Second, my reputation here will completely change once I try to step into that world. Third, I simply don't have the gut to do it. Singing and acting in front of people on this campus? No, thank you.

"Didn't think of you as an active participant, miss." Imbis na lingunin siya, I stayed staring at the poster. I already know who this is. Wala namang ibang may lakas-loob makipag-usap sa'kin.

"I'm not," I spoke carefully. I remained to stare at the poster.

"You're supposed to tour me around, right?" 

I pulled the courage to look at him. "The map's just in front of you, sir. I don't think you need my help." I bowed a little to excuse myself. "Have a great day, sir."

Nauna na akong maglakad. It's a little strange when the freerunner followed me like a lost puppy. Hindi ko na pinansin because maybe I'm just assuming everything. Pumunta ako sa park. Umupo ako sa bench sa ilalim ng puno which is the safest place here for me. I put on my earphones and picked a random song in my playlist and started listening. This my father's favorite song. It hurts a little bit more than it ever did. 

I picked up my Kindle Paperwhite and continued the book that I'm reading.  The song isn't even halfway done when a sudden feeling made me stop listening. It feels like someone's here too. I took off my earphones and just waited for someone to appear. Agad akong napalingon sa likod ko. It's the freerunner at tamang tama pa ang pagkakasandal niya sa puno. He really followed me.

I sighed. "Do you need anything from me?"

"You look interested in the musical play audition." He crossed his arms. "Why didn't you sign up?"

"I don't think I need to tell you that," I said slowly, catching what his reaction would be. 

He just nodded as if he just realized that by now. I raised my eyebrows and thank heaven he received what I'm trying to indicate. He shrugged and took an exit from my spectacle.

--

It's already dismissal time and I'm still thinking if I should go home. My mother announced a dinner because my brother is doing well in med school. She never really comes home if nothing is important. I am not that important to her anyway. It's more like I am only an object of what is really important to her. Grades. Ranking. Performance. Excellence. To her, I am nothing without those. 

My palms are starting to sweat while I'm thinking of what I should say to my mother. Without even trying, I know she will never agree with my idea of auditioning in the stage play. That's not what she wanted to hear from me. It's the perfect score that she's expecting me to get in quizzes and exams. I don't really see the point of that now. The education system sucks plus those boiling kettle pressure of my mother's opinions. I can't breathe.

It feels like it's shoving my stomach when I read the message that my mother's going home to have dinner with me. Parang bumabaliktad lahat ng organs ko. I was never so ready to be shouted at about my failure, being a disgrace, just because of two examination mistakes.