Morning Blushes

chapter thirty-seven

I came running late in class the next day. I don't even want to go to school anymore. I have everything blank on my first quiz. And when checking the papers of seatmates, Lily got a perfect score. It seemed to be easy but my mind is flying off from here.

Binalik sa akin ni Lily yung papel ko. "Lagyan mo na lang ng pangalan."

 I looked at my paper. She wrote all the answers there and checked everything as perfect. I can't even write my name and left the paper blank.

"I'm not gonna pass this."

"Akin na." She got my paper. "Ako na magpapasa."

She wrote my name and passed my cheated paper. Humarap siya sa'kin at ngumiti. She even lifted a hidden thumbs up. "It's okay."

I don't know if I'm gonna feel better or feel guilty for what we did. Surprisingly, I felt neither. My heart seemed to be numb after all. Only, I felt worse for myself alone.

After the other quiz which Lily did the same, I felt the urge to go home. While the teacher is throwing us a lecture, I simply turned on my phone to search what she's trying to say. Naghanap ako ng photos ng sinasabi niya nang may makita ako na short poem by Dawn Lanuza. It simply states that:

Why do you always put me through the motions of losing you
when all along you knew
that I never really had you?

The first person I thought about is Navi. He seems to be different now. I guess he's happier. He's much more peaceful. Though you won't find him in most of our classes except for PE, I know he's just... there. And I clearly need to stop looking for him. 

"Miss na kita, Avy, hindi ko na kaya!" pasigaw na kanta ni Jace right after the last bell rang. 

They all laughed in unison. 

I learned that most people are talking about me on social media. Every platform you can think of. I saw it on Lily's phone once and she's responding to every single one of them. As much as I don't want to care about it anymore, isn't it too selfish to leave everything for my friends to handle? 

They stopped singing for approximately five seconds and Calvin just started singing You'll Be Back from Hamilton. This is gonna ring my ears again. 

Calvin gave me a meaningful smile as he sang the first line then Jace followed. Lily rolled her eyes like she's forced to follow them. But she smiled at me. Then a cycle has been formed as they pass and pass the lyrics to sing to me. Nakulong na naman ako sa ingay nila.

I missed this. I missed letting life go on than creating my own. I wish I can still do that. I want to talk to Navi again and again but it's just... it's not the same anymore. Everything's messed up to the point that I can't collect it all anymore.

Maybe all I need to do is to start with one and two and three until I finally set myself free. I'll start with Navi. He kept bugging me in my mind. I just... I don't want this over. I don't want us over. I can't take it. 

"I'll see you tomorrow," I mustered the courage to speak. 

I picked my bag and left without hearing a single word from them. Paglabas ko, I saw Navi standing right beside the door, leaning on the wall while constantly brushing his hair with his hand.

I breathed out before facing him. Sometimes, I really think I'm some sort of bug who spread an epidemic disease. I guess no one would ever want to be near me again.

"Navi."

"We talked about this already," he said without looking at me. 

"We're gonna talk, Navi."