Morning Blushes

chapter thirty-five

My phone beeped in the silence of my room. It took me hours before I decided to reach for it and check the message. It's from Navi.

Avyanna

That's the only text I received. It was sent five hours ago. I turned my phone upside down and left it on the floor. I stood up, dragged myself to bed, and covered myself with the duvet. I curled up and hug myself, closing my eyes to let go of the last bead of my tears.

 The next day came. I'm going to school again yet I can barely feel myself. Hindi na ako makagalaw sa kama ko. Gusto ko na lang matulog para wala na akong nararamdaman. Ayoko na lang pumasok para walang nag-eexpect sa'kin. I just want to disappear.

When school's about to start, I get up ten minutes before. I barely prepared for it and went downstairs. Manang has served breakfast already.

"Manang, late na po ako. Mauna na po ako."

"Ha? Eh, sandali, ibabalot ko 'tong sandwich mo."

"Hindi na po, Manang. Papasok na po ako."

I haven't eaten my sandwich yesterday. I don't want to eat anything. I just... I just want this day to end and lock myself in my bedroom and sleep again. 

Naglakad ako papunta sa school pero hindi ko maramdaman ang mga paa ko. I'm just dragging it forward, one step after another. Pagdating ko sa school, of course, everyone is looking. I'm late. Binaba ko na lang ang tingin ko. Hindi ko sila pinansin at dumeretso na lang sa classroom. Our teacher is already there, they're about to have a quiz that I don't know about. 

"Good morning, Miss Santos."

I slightly bowed my head. "Sorry, I'm late."

"Okay, go to your seat. We're having a five-minute review before the quiz."

I quickly scanned the whole whiteboard as I sat. I already read this one before but they seem to scatter around my head, dispersing like debris. I tried to skim everything before the written texts disappear. After the quiz, I don't care anymore. I definitely failed it again.

"Avy, tara," yaya ni Lily when break time came.

I shook my head. "Kayo na lang. I have to go somewhere."

I went out only when everyone left the room already. I brought my Kindle with me to pretend I'm busy and to avoid everyone's stares. I plugged in my earphones and shut everyone down. I quickly went to the park, to my usual seat under the tree, and hide there, curled up with my Kindle. I feel like I haven't read anything for a long time now. And I am not in the mood to start one.

Approaching me, there's Navi who just jump down from the pathway's pergola. I haven't seen him in the classroom earlier so I thought he didn't go to school. Ayon pala, hindi lang pumasok sa klase. 

"Oh, akala ko hindi ka papasok," he told me. 

I just shrugged. Umupo siya sa tabi ko, bahagyang hinahabol ang hininga. 

"Yesterday..." he spoke.

I just shook my head. My mouth sank dry to even speak. And I don't want to be reminded of that anymore. I just... I don't want to talk about it. 

The sun shone on our bench so we have no choice but to leave. We went to the picnic tables near the football pitch instead. The leaves have fallen down, made the concrete floor yellowish in color. 

He's here beside me but I feel like he's so far away. I want to tell him what happened yesterday and just freaking cry again but it seems so hard to reach him. So I kept it to myself. He doesn't necessarily need to hear all my dramas anyway.