Morning Blushes

chapter five

I am now waiting for my turn. My feet are twisting constantly under the chair, nerves can't stay still. Hindi ko na yata kayang pakalmahin ang sarili ko sa ganito. My stomach is turning upside down. I didn't expect to be in this situation right now, I swear. I've never been to a stage this big except sa ceremonial events like graduation. I felt like being left out here. 

Nung ako na yung next, mas lalo akong kinabahan. Ramdam na ramdam ko na yung puso kong nagtatatalon sa kaba. I've never joined an audition like this. Well, when I was young, I was my father's pride and joy when he had visitors. But I don't sing for an audition or something. God. There are so many students here who wanted a spot in this play especially the light. This is so close to getting worse. I might vomit, or just lose all my senses. Should I back out? I want to vomit. I want to run away. Hindi ko na kaya.

Kahit bahagyang nanginginig, pumasok ako sa hall. I'm slightly shaking and it won't stop. I bit my fingertips already to get a grip of myself. I tried to fight the tremble of my hands and my knees because I have no choice. Nandito na ako e. I should just think that I'll experience a new thing and treasure this whatever it takes.

When I stepped on stage, the judges don't seem to mind me here. They're reviewing the paper. My heart jumped off my chest when I realized I have no idea what role the freerunner signed me up for. But that's not important now. I'm not gonna get any role here anyway. But a little part of my heart somehow wishes I would get in.

Nilapitan ko ang pianist and told him the piece. I settled down in the middle and collected myself. I took deep breaths to stop myself from shivering here. It won't do any good. This is the risk I bravely took so far. I hope. Sana masundan ko yung pianist. I need to trust him. 

I kept reminding myself na matatapos din 'to agad. I need to shake this off. My father taught me how to do this, how to get through all the fears I never dared to face. This is what my father and I used to dream together. But he left me alone with our dreams. along with the courage he built in me.

"What are you gonna audition with?"

"Um, uh, She Used to Be Mine by Jessie Mueller."

"Hmm... Jessie Mueller?"

"From the Broadway cast recording of Waitress."

"You can start now."

I breathed deeply before giving the pianist a signal. Right. I need to own the stage. There's nothing to be afraid of. That song is really precious to me. The lyrics are hitting me hard every time I listen to it like something is living inside those words. It has a whole meaning of life and it is not some song to describe it in general. It's powerful.

When the pianist started, my mind ceased negative thoughts. It focused on the music, and the things I should do. As the song goes on, my vision figuratively went into a vivid memory with every emotion that I'm absorbing. How I felt so happy. It was only happiness that I have known until my father said goodbye. 

How I reinvented myself from the past years to become someone everybody hated.

How I had the darkest moments where I have no one to turn to.

How I lived with everything I have to deal with.

How I begged for something when no one's listening.

The pang in my chest slowly dissolved as I go on. Natapos ang kanta na halos mangilid na ang luha ko. The song took over my soul. I didn't know how I survived this. It's like a trance that kept me trapped behind, leaving me with no choice. But I just did. And it felt good. Hindi ko na tinignan lahat ng expressions nila to protect me from overthinking again.