Morning Blushes

chapter forty

"Avyanna." He spoke. I never got the chance to leave the room. "Avyanna, let me ex- or just hear me out." 

"What for?" I cursed myself as my words shake.

I don't want to look into his eyes. It's my goddamn weakness. "Please."

"What now?"

"I'm sorry."

"Navi." I took a deep breath. "I get it. You're sorry. I don't know what for but I get it."

"You don't have to say anything. Gusto ko lang humingi ng sorry. Paulit ulit. Hanggang sa palayasin mo ako dito dahil sinasayang ko ang oras mo. I want to say sorry. But I know... it won't change every piece of you that I crushed. This is all I can do. I'm sorry... I can't... Trust me."

Sinusubukan kong pigilan ang nag-uunahang mga luha sa gilid ng mata ko. He walked towards me that left my feet etched to the floor. The moment he stepped closer, gusto ko na lang siyang tanggapin ulit hanggang sa iwan niya ako nang paulit-ulit.

"Stop, Navi. You can stop now. You can't tell me what's wrong then you'll be around some person like everything is really okay. Ang saya mo e... You left me tormented while I'm watching you doing okay with other people, Navi..." I said slowly and clearly. "I already listened to you. I think we're fair enough to know what we have to tell. You just can't leave me hanging. Always."

I completely stormed out of the room. I am weak, I know, but there's no point in crying. I don't have to cry. 

I peeked in the rehearsal room. They're having fun with their thing there. When Lily caught me looking, I quickly turn my back and walked away. Unfortunately, it was raining outside and I don't have an umbrella. How could this day mistreat me all at once? All I want is to go home. Hindi ba pwedeng magpahinga muna? I am damn exhausted. 

I kept my eyes shut. The rain is impossible right now and the walk is quite long. I wiped any evidence of anger in my face. I have no choice but to enter the rehearsal room. I have nowhere else to go. Like a stray cat. Looking for somewhere else to go. Somewhere safe.

"Oh, here comes Avy!"

They're all here with the theater nerds. I do not belong here, really. I'm just a misfit to every jam even before. I do not belong to a huge group. I am fine doing everything on my own.

I looked around to check them all. Nagkatitigan kami ni Medina but it looks like she's much more having fun without me here. Right. Without me. She must be happy seeing me so fucked up right now. 

"Tara na, Avy. Everyone's waiting for you," tawag sa'kin ni Calvin, leading me to their circle.

I just watched them continue the jam. This party is just simple. Food and music say it all. We're just like in a pre-rehearsal stage. Someone will start a song then everyone will follow hanggang sa mahaluan ng ibang kanta. Everyone has the chance to stand up in the middle and start a song. Even a sing-off is possible. 

They're having fun. I know I would laugh at usual times like this but the thought of Navi pulled down the corners of my lips.  I am simply tired. Gusto ko nang umuwi. I fucking need to get away from people just for once. I need the torturing comfort of my room just this night. I want to burst into tears and just vanish like a bubble.

I kept looking at the time, thinking I'll leave in fifteen minutes. Just to tell Jace I came and para hindi sila ma-disappoint sa'kin. I came here, not planning to exist.

The fifteen minutes easily passed for them while I'm just watching. I excused myself preserving my voice for the upcoming event I don't even want to do anymore. This whole thing... I can't breathe anymore. Their noises are burning every single side of my head.