Morning Blushes

chapter eight

The rehearsals started and at first, I was feeling shy. They are all socializing and trying to get to know each other. I was surprised when some people greeted me and most of them sent me Facebook friend requests. I met a lot from other sections and strands. Well, a lot know me already and they are really meant to know me because, yes, I am not yet used to it, but I'm already holding the title of the lead role.

It's just another normal day. I was too busy and preoccupied inside my room, just sitting at the edge of my bed. Napagdesisyunan ko na lang na lumabas dahil unti-unti na akong nilalamon ng utak ko. I was perfectly fine then, later on, something's torturing me. It's so hard.

Pagbabang pagbaba ko, my mother surprised me with a visit I also didn't expect. Mukhang kakarating niya lang dahil paupo pa lang siya sa harap ng hapag. Sinundan ko na lang siya at sinubukan siyang sabayan kumain. Now, at the dining table, just eating our meal, I'm on fire again. I am already praying this is not about her finding out the play I joined. The rehearsal started and I don't want to back out anymore.

What's new? Mommy's blabbering again about my studies. Kahit anong gawin ko, hahanapan niya ng problema lahat ng ginagawa ko. She's barely here at home yet that's what she knows about. I don't have an idea of why she wanted to shape perfection out of me.

"Excuse me, I'm done." I stood up. "I need to study."

"Sana si Adriane na lang ang naiwan dito. You're worthless. All you have to do is finish your food."

I sat down again. I really need to study because rehearsals occupied my time after school. I know I should be used to this setup. I will meet my mother, barely share a meal with her, get interrogated, and lock my ears. It has always been that way. 

"What are you gonna study for?"

"Revision for the last lecture and advanced reading on the next." 

I finished my homework in breaks already to save time for studying.

"You're not studying smart. Aren't you actively listening to your lectures? That won't help you in college. You're just wasting your time. You don't need to revise every single lecture."

"Yes, Mommy."

"Focus on your Math. You're gonna fail those."

I don't even know how to revise nor understand that in advance.

"Yes, Mommy."

"How about other activities? You're too busy studying. It's a shame you won't get a single award on your graduation. Join the student council or some organizations. You don't even have a position in your class officers."

I just nodded. I was thinking of talking about the play but seeing the situation right now, I don't have a reason to tell her all about that.

"May allowance ka pa?" I shook my head. "Saan mo ginagastos 'yon? Those are for your projects and not all the stupid stuff."

"Lunch," I answered sparingly. 

"Do you have a boyfriend?" 

I almost choked on her question. "Wala po."

"Good. Don't even try. That will only distract you."

"Yes, Mommy."

"Go, study. Smartly, Avyanna. Don't waste your time avoiding the difficult and uncomfortable."

I nodded and stood up. I was taking the stairs when I heard Manang.

"Ay, sandali lang, naghanda ako ng dessert," I heard her say.

"Bukas na lang, Manang," I heard my mother said. "She needs to study."

I went to the rooftop after that and it wasn't too long when the ground nearly shook because the well-known freerunner jumped off. Hindi ko alam kung nagkakataon lang o inaabangan niya talaga ako dito. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds and I'm the first one to look away. I really, really hate those eyes. His eyes.