Morning Blushes

chapter thirty-two

I'm helping myself to breathe but my chest and stomach are kicking the air out. Para akong lumulutang, pinapanood ang sarili ko. Instead of going to my room, I went to the rooftop and wrapped myself with the throw blanket I have put in my freshly decorated nook. This is the only way I can do to feel at least safe.

I keep on convincing myself every now and then, what's the point of crying? I'm living in a belief with no emotions allowed to be seen by anyone. I lived believing if you want to be strong in the world, you have to take your emotions away and keep it all in yourself. Growing up, I am not allowed to express a single thing about myself. You have to take orders from them. I have followed until I don't know how to rule my life.

How could everything mess up all at once? What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell am I supposed to do to make it right? Sometimes, I just really wanna close my eyes and feel every sensation I feel in my body before it goes numb... for centuries long. I wanna feel what it was like to live before feeling nothing at all.

I am fucked up. I am so fucked up.

I hugged my knees and buried my forehead on them. The concealed sobs have ceased and yet my eyes are still swimming in tears. I hugged myself harder and curled up when the aching at the bottom of my chest starts again. I remained silent and still until I felt someone with me here. When I looked up, Navi is there. He lowered his level to my face. Suddenly, I felt ashamed of myself for how naked, broken, and shattered my heart is.

"Hey," he said. Umupo siya sa tabi ko sa sofa.

I took a deep breath and angled my face away. Hiyang hiya na ako sa sarili ko ngayon.

"Avyanna," he spoke softly. "Come here..."

I moved closer to him and buried my head on his shoulder. He slowly wrapped his arms around me and caressed my hair gently. I cried simply because I can't handle it anymore. It's too painful to hide.

"It's okay," he whispered, gathering my hair away from my moist cheeks, and tucked behind my ear. "I'm here."

I don't know but from simply what he's doing, I felt somehow better. The wind is kissing the specks of tears on my cheeks. After a while, I pulled away and lowered my head.

"Do you want anything?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Yes, but Manang said you're not yet eating."

So, he spoke to Manang. I felt a piece of my heart crashing into the pit of my stomach.

"How did you get here? You didn't jump here, did you? Did my mother see you?" I asked.

"Well, yes."

"Nagalit ba sa'yo? Sorry. You shouldn't have come. She thought I have a boyfriend." I sighed heavily.

"She asked me if I'm your boyfriend. Good thing Manang knows better."

How could he even talk to my mother? Titigan pa lang ako ni Mommy, nanginginig na ang tuhod ko.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Your mother's scary." He chuckled a bit. "But I survived, didn't I?"

Hearing him chuckle edged a tiny smile on my face. "Why did you come here?"

"You're not answering my calls. Yayayain sana kita lumabas. I was peeking at your gate when your mother caught me."

I breathed. "She got mad at me. Well, it's my fault. I wasn't entirely focused lately so I failed the exams--"

"You failed? You didn't."

"I mean I didn't get the highest mark. That's a failure already."

"That's..." He shook his head. "That's normal."