Morning Blushes

chapter twenty-two

"I'll just wash my hands," I told them as soon as we found an empty table in the cafeteria.

I've been having lunch with Lily, Jace, and Calvin these days. It was fun like in our play rehearsals. Good old days. I wish I have met and interacted with them before but I know my past self won't be able to do that.

Pagdating ko sa washroom, I literally just washed my hands and let them feel the water continuously flowing. It has been a fascination already, feeling something I cannot hold or grasp. I haven't seen Navi jumping off roofs and he never landed on the rooftop since forever. Sometimes I'm gonna catch him sleeping in class and sometimes he won't be present at all. On lunch breaks, I haven't seen him in the cafeteria or the park either.

Pagkalabas ko, I saw Navi just got out of the comfort room across. He's dabbing some tissue paper to his nose. Gosh. His nose is bleeding... Before it could start, I prevented myself from thinking about every possible thing why that is happening. I doubt he's seeing me here but, hell, I am worried. 

"Hey," I called his attention hesitantly. "What happened?"

He stared at me for a couple of seconds and turn his head away again.

"Shit happened." He took a step closer to the trash bin and deserted the place without looking back.

Pagbalik ko, I snatched my phone from the table and browsed on Google all about it. I read the subheading of the first page. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag for a bit of a second when I read it's nothing serious. But it can also be serious. My heartbeat followed a metronome when I read it can be cancer. This can't be--

"Eh? Sinong may Leukemia?" Lily's snooping over my shoulder already.

Napatingin sa'kin yung dalawa. Now, the three of them are looking at me already like a ghost passed behind me. 

"It's nothing. I was just curious. I saw someone's nose bleeding." I shook my head and pocketed my phone. I started eating as if I didn't know they're still looking at me.

I'm so glad they didn't push me to talk about it more. I'm pretty sure they're convinced already. I was having a train of thoughts about it, convincing myself it's nothing. But it's not nothing. Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin ko, knowing exams are up again. Nawala na sa isip ko na magpapagupit ako samantalang nung pagkatapos pa ng play ko binabalak 'yon. The following week will be busy as well. I badly want to get a haircut.

But what if Navi is not completely fine? What if something's really happening and he doesn't want to tell me about it so he'd rather distance himself from me? 

Oh, Avy, stop being so stupid.

"Avy, hello?" Lily snapped her fingers in front of my face. "You're spacing out."

"What's wrong?" Calvin asked.

"Just sleepy." I yawned exactly after saying that. 

"Sinong pumuyat sa'yo, ha?" pilyang tanong ni Lily.

"We have three quizzes today and a graded recitation. Isang quiz na lang mamaya."

"You should learn how to take care of yourself, dear cousin. Get some sleep." Jace said a lot more pero hindi ko na inintindi.

That's the point. It's not studying that keeps me up late. It is the thought of getting everything perfect with the perpetual what-ifs of failing. And, I don't know if they understand but it's hard to escape it... because that's basically what contains my life now.

"How will you be able to get ready if you're not... mentally prepared?" Calvin questioned.

"That's right. We all deserve to be physically and mentally healthy." Lily flashed a smile.