Morning Blushes

chapter twenty-one

My alarm from across the room made me stand up and click it off. I went back to bed, wrapped my comforter around me. It's a cold Monday morning. I forgot to check what time is but I didn't bother to do it anyway. I closed my eyes again and sunk deeper under my comforter.

I am completely aware I already have school today. Pero pakiramdam ko wala na akong rason para bumangon. A new term has come. I'm meeting new faces again from other sections. And, it's a new harder phase.

I don't know kung sino na ang katabi ko. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care anymore. I'm consistently having wind as my seatmate when high school started. And, graduating na rin naman e. Sandali na lang, makakaalis na ako. Wala nang pakialamanan. Tapos na ang lahat e. Babalik na ako sa dati kong buhay. I always do things on my own. Ngayon, sana magawa ko pa ulit.

I don't want to go to school today. I feel like my stomach is eating up my heart. I have to face quizzes, recitations, exams, and everything should be perfect once again. It's draining me by only thinking about it. I can't be perfect yet I'm still trying every day. It's just as stupid as it sounds.

My eyes stapled open wide when I heard a knock on my door.

"Yanna?" It was Manang's voice.

A tiny part of my heart warmed. I felt her comfort as soon as I recognized her voice. But with all that, I can't pull myself up. I can't speak. I feel so tired to face everything, another day of facing the endless battle of perfection.

When I heard the door opened, I waited for Manang to come near me. 

"Good morning, Yanna. Pasok na tayo," she said in her sweet voice, gently pulling my comforter off me.

I battled my unwillingness to get up and I successfully did. 

I wrapped my arms around Manang and rested my head on her. "I missed you, Manang."

I heard a soft giggle from Manang. "I missed you too, Yanna." She stroked my hair lightly. "Halika na, handa na ang agahan."

I felt a little more energized seeing her now so I officially started my day by getting up and preparing for school. After organizing my things last-minute, I went downstairs to the dining table. 

"Oh, siya, umupo ka na riyan at ihahanda ko na ito," Manang announced.

Sabay na kaming kumain ni Manang habang kinukwento niya sa akin kung ano ang ginawa niya noong wala siya.  She said she had the best time with her grandchildren.  At first, I thought my mother kicked her out because of me but when I heard Mommy gave her a vacation, I felt so selfish and unworthy of her. I can't even handle myself. 

Nagpaalam na ako kay Manang at naglakad na papasok. 

This is one of the few things I realized. Walking the distance between my house and school is like walking across the ocean. Sanay na naman ako kaya pagkarating ko sa school, marami na ring tao. I don't know how I would learn to love going to school. It always makes me feel unsettled and I feel like it's always a room full of strangers. Probably because I never had friends.

"Good morning, Avy!"

Nasa pintuan pa lang ako pero halos atakihin ako sa puso nang marinig ko ang sigaw na 'yon ni Calvin. Well, I look so perfectly just in time. Wala pang masyadong tao.

"Am I really in my own section?" I mumbled. Napatingin pa ako sa gilid ng pinto at hinanap ang pangalan ko. I really do belong to this wilderness, with this human being. 

I scanned the list of students again. May mga bagong pangalan akong nakita na pumalit. I don't know how this system is convenient for them, changing the list of students per section every term. My eyes quickly searched for Navi's name. I felt at ease when he'll be still in the same room with me.