Morning Blushes

chapter forty-one

Mommy remained silent. Umupo na lang ako at napatungo. Manang's putting a meal on my plate but I feel like I just wanna vomit. I don't have the appetite to eat.

"Where have you been?" my mother asked. Surprisingly, she raised her gaze to me.

"School."

Manang joined the coversation starting, "Naku, alam mo ba, nakakatuwa itong si Yanna. Siya ang nag-ayos niyang Christmas tree."

I'm just circling the meal around the plate, pressing down my spoon to form a flat figure molding the plate.  Ayokong kumain. I slightly bowed my head and continued what I am doing. 

"That's great," my mother said and looked at me with a kind face. "How's school?"

She didn't insult me. Maybe she had a great day. Or a week. Or a month without me. Probably. Manang is just here that's why she's acting cool with everything. 

"Fine."

"How're your friends?"

I don't know what made her ask that. I'm not sure if she's pertaining to Navi or others. She doesn't even know I have other friends. And she never asked me that before.

"Good," tipid na sagot ko.

I know my mother is now cursing all the possible names to call me. She will never be satisfied with a one-word answer. I just want to get slapped. I am desperate to feel something other than the pain that keeps on stabbing my heart. I want her to hurt me physically so it wouldn't last long. By that, the pain will be gone eventually, and I won't even notice it. 

Now, I am just intimidated by her presence. I think this is a habit now. I grew up paying attention to my mind and how I can make myself strong whenever my mother is here. A never-ending pep talk will be inside of my head until the last minute of supper. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam kung paano makitungo sa nanay ko. Every word, every action is always calculated. Ayaw na ayaw mong magkakamali sa ginagawa mo sa harap niya.

"Manang, kulang po ba yung ipinapadala kong pang gastos sa bahay? I'll add some if needed."

"Hindi naman. Hindi ko lang alam kung kumakain 'tong si Yanna sa school."

Napatingin ako kay Manang. I gave her a look but she's busy eating the food my mother brought us. She's too pure. Too honest. And I am not. 

Gosh, of course, I'm still eating. I'm trying to eat. I am just broke as fuck. The last allowance I received was over a month ago. I want to save for myself too. 

Manang's right. This dish in front of me is my favorite. Hindi ako makaramdam ng gutom ngayon kahit amoy na amoy ko na ang luto ni Manang. I just flattened them down to look like I ate some. Gusto ko nang umalis. Magtago. Matulog. I want to escape. Kahit ngayon lang, please.

"I'm finished eating. I'll be getting ready to sleep."

Napatigil ako sa nasabi ko. Am I allowed to sleep? I should've said I have to study. Maybe that won't enrage my mother. 

"You haven't touched your food yet," my mother noticed.

"I ate earlier before going home," I lied. "Please excuse me."

"Yanna--" tawag pa sa'kin ni Manang pero pinigilan siya ni Mommy.

Umakyat na ako at nagkulong sa kwarto. I hid under my table. It was cold and dark. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face in them. The tears that I was trying to contain have dried. They won't want me to cry anymore, even when my heart is about to explode. They don't want to get away from me. They don't want to leave my body.