Morning Blushes

chapter thirty-six

"Yanna, papasok ka na? Gusto mo bang mag-baon ng sandwich?" Manang asked.

I quickly shook my head. "Manang, see you later po."

Pagdating ko sa school, it is hushed, but the stares are killing me. I swear, I'm trying to pick myself up every day. I am trying to pull myself out of my bed to face those. 

I hustled to the room without looking at everyone. It's tiring. I used to be fine doing everything alone but why did it get heavier since Navi stayed away from me? It's been fifteen days since he spoke to me. When he said that, he actually meant no texts, no calls, no meetups, and I barely see him in the classroom. Fifteen fucking days yet I'm still longing to see him, talk to him every day.

Fifteen fucking days.  I'm back with closed mouths and muttered talks. It's hard not to look at him, thinking he doesn't care about you anymore. He thought getting away from you is the best thing to do. Why does it feel like he's tired of me? Maybe he's tired to deal with my shits that I'm supposed to deal with. Maybe he doesn't mean to let me in his life. Maybe it's just the end of us.

The hours of lectures went by as my head flew somewhere. I didn't know what happened the whole time. I just came back to my consciousness when break time came. And I can't even answer them for asking me the things they haven't even discussed yet. 

Palabas na ulit ako nang tawagin ako ni Calvin. Siya na ang lumapit sa akin.

"May I talk to you for a while?" He asked. Napaisip ako sandali but I nodded anyway and just follow him outside.

Dinala niya ako sa park. I looked at him until he started speaking.

"How have you been doing?"

"Not bad." I looked sideways to check the people.

"You're not having lunch with us. Lily said you're not talking to her too. What's wrong?"

I don't want them to carry the burden of the people staring at us when it's supposed to be just me. I don't want to look pathetic after everything. I just want to go back to where I used to be before; a nobody. I'm fine without friends, I am fine alone. But I have established friendships with these people already. I don't want to lose that by sticking to them more. I don't want to cause them something that only I am supposed to have.

I shook my head. "It's nothing."

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman. Everyone aside from my friends is seeing me as their competitor. Hindi lang si Medina. They wanted to be at the top too without letting me know it. Everyone in our batch is looking forward to being on top, dragging me down. Now that they have the chance, tinodo na nila.

He just looked at me, clearly not convinced with my answer. So, I sighed heavily. 

"It's not... I'm fine. I just need to do that."

"Why?"

"This is so pointless, Calvin. I just... I don't want this to grow anymore. I want to forget everything and go back to my old life. I was unbothered and living just fine before."

"You were alone before, Avy. But now, you have us already. We got your back."

I shook my head. "You don't get it. Everything was going well before. This never happened before."

He nodded. "Okay. I understand."

"Thank you." I sighed. 

"But, Avy, I hope you know that we're here for you. Always."

I nodded and forced a smile. "Thank you."

He gave me a pat on the shoulder. "Take it easy, Avy."