Lock & Key *Camren*

Chapter 65

Lauren's POV:

I lay in bed my eyes closed but my mind wide awake running away with my thoughts, I could feel Camila's hand playing with the ends of my hair, obviously lost in her own thoughts for us to be able to have a conversation, but right now I don't feel like talking I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, but I want to be in the comfort of Camila's arms.

Thinking back to when i was pregnant if i had decided to keep the baby then it probably would've died anyway, especially now that i have cancer, there is no way that the baby would've survived this, but i'm not quite sure at this moment in time why the baby suddenly appeared in my mind, i never wanted the baby anyway, especially not after the way it was concieved, but why would the baby come to my mind right now? do i regret the decision that i made? should i have kept the baby? would i have been able to look at it and hold it in my arms without being reminded as to how the baby got here in the first place.

i tried to shake the thought from my mind not wanting to dwell on it any longer, it's gone now and i can't change my decision and i am not sure that i would want to.

i moved my hand from Camila's abdomen sliding down to rest on my thigh over my sweatpants tracing the scars that i know lay beneath them, i remembered the first day i done it, the way it felt dragging the blade across my leg, i had just got home after having words spat and screamed at me, i ran upstairs ignoring the calls of my mother and locked myself into the bathroom, spinning around in a circle running my hands desperately through my hair trying to find a way to make the voices stop, to make them just go away, just leave me alone, i started hitting my head with the heel of my hand trying to push them out, just to get them to stop, but they wouldn't, i squeezed my eyes shut tightly tears forming and flowing freely down my face, opening them again and seeing a razor at the corner of my eye through the blur of my tears, i could hear the voices in my head coaxing me to pick it up, i was hesitant, but i walked over to the edge of the bath where it lay and picked it up slowly, starring at it as i held it between my thumb and fingers, i dropped it to the floor, my foot crushing the plastic to get the part that i wanted, the blade, i bent down scooping one of the blades from the floor getting a feel for it in my hand, my thumb running over the blade feeling it pierce my skin, and for that split second i felt that slight pain in my thumb the voices had stopped, it had been silent, i pulled my thumb away seeing tiny specks of blood on the blade and i smiled, i remember that moment clear as day, i remember walking back over to the bathroom door and checking that i did indeed lock it incase someone decided to come barging in, i looked up at myself in the mirror, asking myself where could i do it where no one would ever see them, where i could always hide it, i sat down on the toilet my eyes falling onto my thighs, my fingers picking at a loose bit of thread where they were sewn together, i brushed my fingers over my thigh, the blade still sat securely in the palm of my other hand, i placed the blade down on the side of the bath, as i reached the button on my jeans slowly undoing them, standing up to push my jeans half way down my legs, my eyes returning to the blade, my fingers picking it up carefully, slowly sitting back down onto the toilet seat bringing the blade to my thigh, applying slight pressure as i dragged it across the top of my thigh just below where my underwear was, watching as my skin slowly opened, the blood seeping out, i closed my eyes and let out a sigh as the silence surrounded me, the voices finally quieting down.

i moved my hand inside the waistband of my sweats and down to my thigh to trace the scars, after the first few times i had done it, it happened so often and so frequently it's like every cut just blurred together and i can't recall doing it at all other than that first moment which will forever be imprinted in my brain.

Camila had noticed the gesture that i had done and was curious as to what i was doing with my hand, she lifted the quilt up and noticed where my hand was placed, she then took my chin between her finger and thumb and lifted my face to look at hers, her eyebrows furrowed with confusion as she gave me a questioning look.

"are you okay?" she asked the concern heard loud and clearly in her voice.

i nodded my head feeling my throat choke up as i attempted to speak.

Camila sat up pulling me along with her, throwing the quilt towards the end of the bed so that it was no longer covering our bodies, i removed my hand out from inside my sweats and clasped my other hand, resting them between my thighs.

Camila moved herself so that she was sat opposite me, her eyes boring into the top of my head as i starred down at my heads playing with eachother.

"what's going on inside your head?" Camila finally asked me after we had sat in silence for a minute.

"the first day i ever cut myself" i told her honestly.

"why is that running through your head?" Camila asked me.

"i don't know, first it was the baby and now this, my mind is just wondering Camz" i told her not wanting to keep any secrets.

"the baby?" Camila asked confused.

"yes, the one i aborted" i stated as if it was obvious.

"i know Lauren, i'm just confused as to why you would be thinking about that right now, do you regret your decision? do you wish that you had kept it?" Camila questioned me.

"no i don't, not at all, i don't know why i was even thinking about it, it just came into my mind unconciously, it's not like i had planned it, sometimes i can't control what i think about, things just come to mind and i hate it sometimes because i can't shut it out"

"and the cutting? you're not thinking about doing it again are you?" i could tell that Camila was worried about me but right now i feel like she's about to suffocate me with worry.

"no camz i'm not, it just came to my mind okay, i already told you i can't control it" i tried to remain calm but the tone my voice had arrose to proved i was close to blowing up.

"i was just asking Lo, i'm worried about you okay, you're my girlfriend, i do have a right to worry"

"i know you do, baby i do but i've told you that i'm not going to do that again, that i don't want to do that again, because i love you and i don't like it upsetting you, because i want to be strong for you, so you can worry but not about that, that is something you never have to worry about okay?"

"Okay" Camila nodded.

"Okay" i reciprocated.

Camila sighed and laid back down onto the bed, I looked down at her the question written on my face, Camila glanced over at me before nodding and patting her chest softly, I instantly laid down on my side cuddling up close to her, my head resting on her boob.

"You're beautiful" Camila spoke out loud.

I didn't respond, because in this moment I didn't feel beautiful, and I know that I don't look it, but I won't object, because if I say that I am not Camila with five me a whole speech as to why I am.

I don't need that right now, I know in this moment I am not beautiful, and it does no bother me, I don't want to be beautiful right now and I am okay with that.

To Be Continued..

i had no idea how to carry it on from here, i started to but then drew up blank, what did i say? i told you it was going to happen, so it's only a couple pages sorry about that.. but bare with me guys i'll try make the next one longer.. in a few chapters i'll skip forward a few weeks to get it over with.. anyhoo ima shut up now, hope you enjoyed it XD

Lily x