The Contract

Heavy

Y/N's POV

She sat staring at her belly, absently stroking it. She wasn't showing, she wouldn't be showing for another couple months, but she knew it was there and that's what mattered. All she did was think. She had too much time on her hands.

She felt like she should feel something but she wasn't sure what. Weren't you supposed to be excited for your baby? Already be buying maternity clothes? Planning the nursery? Looking forward to raising that little boy or girl? Dreaming about family vacations? Family...

Did she want to be a family with Yoongi? All she'd have to do was tell him and that would be the end of it. He'd be ecstatic, or as ecstatic as he could be. Sometimes he threw her off. He'd deadpan and barely react to something she thought he'd jump around for and then get all overly excited for something she thought wasn't a big deal. So she was never entirely sure what his reaction would be when she told him stuff.

Yoongi. How did she feel about him? She appreciated him. He was kind. Thoughtful. She knew in her heart she wanted to just fall. Just let go. But she couldn't let herself do it. Because what if it happened again? Sure, he said he was in love now. But feelings change. People change. How could she open herself up and be vulnerable with someone only to find out years down the road all her little quirks and eccentricities weren't as endearing as she'd been led to believe? And freedom...

In her mind, marriage and slavery were linked. To stay married was to voluntarily place herself in chains, like every other woman she'd ever seen. Sometimes she fantasized about a partnership, where two people live their lives supporting each other but are distinct individuals and respect that. She hated the idea of losing identity, of melding so close that you didn't know where you stopped and the other person began. This was romanticized but she didn't find losing yourself to be particularly appealing.  She had worked hard to like herself.

If she didn't want to be a family, what then? Did she just leave the baby, this constant reminder, with him? If she took their baby with her she'd have to keep seeing him, there'd be no way she could go years without being reminded of what she denied herself to pursue her dreams. To keep her freedom. At some point she'd have to see him with other women, watch him start a family. With someone else.

And her heart hated that. She hated both options. She hated the idea of losing her freedom, the most important thing in the world to her, but just imagining Yoongi with someone else was painful.

As a little girl, with all the restrictions that had been placed on her, she fantasized about being her own woman. A self-made one. Someone powerful, the boss, with money, who traveled. Had lots of friends. Saw the world. Lived life to the fullest. She was known for herself. But that could never happen now, even if things ended she'd always be known in connection with Yoongi. Always tied to him. No matter what. That's the thing about time, you can't go back and change it. You can't redo life. You do what you can with the cards you're dealt. And she wrestled with that, that was hard to accept.

She curled up on the couch, her head in her hands. She felt depressed, she felt worn out, she wanted to cry but she couldn't make herself.

Sohyeon tried to rouse her but Y/N just ignored her, falling deeper and deeper into a dark abyss inside her mind. She didn't want to move. She just wanted everything to not have happened. And her refusal to accept the past was making her stuck in the present.

She wasn't gracious with herself. She should want her baby. She should want to be with Yoongi. She should forgive and move on and not stay stuck. She was letting the ex-chairman win if she stayed like this. He wanted her life ruined and she was letting it happen. And that just added to the darkness.

She hadn't moved an inch by night time and wouldn't eat anything Sohyeon brought her. It felt hard to breathe, she felt like a heavy burden was squishing her into the couch. Her phone rang but she ignored it.

"Mrs. Min, it's your husband." She couldn't worry him. He still had two weeks before they'd be back and he'd been calling every night, making sure she was okay after confronting her tormentor. Just talking, laughing about things the guys did. He had found some of his fans throwing their bras onto one of their stages amusing. She'd laughed but had felt a twinge in her heart and berated herself. She was a mature woman, she shouldn't be getting jealous.

Get up. Get up.

"Mrs. Min." It was probably ten seconds that she laid there before heavily rolling over and trying to hold her hand out. So heavy...it was shaking. She took the phone before Sohyeon could comment. Up, get up, everything's fine. Don't worry him.

"Hey, Y/N-ah."

"Hi." She tried to say his name but her vocal chords felt too heavy. So heavy. She was heavy. Everywhere, just heaviness.

"So guess what Jungkook did..." It was hilarious and he expected her to laugh, that's why he told her it. He knew how bored she was and wanted to make her day slightly less boring. But he didn't get a response for a long time, so long that he checked his phone to make sure that the signal hadn't accidentally been dropped.

Don't worry him, don't worry him.

"Y/N?"

"Yeah?" Her voice was off. He didn't know what it was but something wasn't right.

"is everything alright?"

"Yeah." It took so much effort to say that. Inside she wanted to just cry but she couldn't. She couldn't release her feelings, they wouldn't come out. They just sat inside, rotting her from the inside out. Poisoning her. She literally felt like she was being poisoned, like she could feel the scunge pushing against her skin from the inside.

Her hand was shaking, hold the phone to her ear was becoming too much. She tried to open her mouth again, to say something to make everything okay. But she couldn't and it slipped from her grip, hitting the floor. She should get up. She should get it. Instead she covered her face with her hands and burrowed into the back of the couch. She could hear him calling her name but she couldn't respond.

"Mrs. Min?" He'd hung up and called the nurse. "Mrs. Min, are you okay?" Y/N nodded weakly.

"Sleep." She managed to mutter. Sohyeon felt her forehead.

"I think she's just very tired, sir. Maybe she can call you back in the morning?"