Broken

Jack

I could feel throbbing in my heart as we stood facing each other
"Hi" I said after a moment of choked silence
"Baby" he said and like reflex I replied with warning glares
I had a thousand  reasons why I had to walkout on him but somehow I managed to stay. I needed this closure.
My head kept screaming "Leave" as I faced him but I chose to ignore the voices.
"You look beautiful" he said paying much attention to my figure
"You don't look bad yourself" I complimented too
"I am sorry" he said struggling with the words
"Apologies don't mean anything when you keep doing the same thing over and over" I fought back tears from rolling as I spoke
"Believe me when i say I love you" he said
"Actions speaks  louder than words. Like I actually love you too but I love my sanity more. Sometimes we need more than love" I snapped
"Don't make this harder than it is Lisa" he said and I could feel anger in his tone
"Oh! I see, you fucking think i'm making things hard huh, don't you dare play the victim here...you always need space, space! space!space! it would have been easier if  you just wanted me to clear stuffs in a room and create space but hell no! you want me gone all the time" My body shook as I spoke, by then I could taste salty drops on my lips. I really wished I could get a grip of my emotions during times like this.
"Baby i'm sorry, i didn't mean anything honestly"
"Don't you fucking call me baby, you lost your right to that. First, you make fun of me with your friends like I don't get it I was raped, I am the victim here and it's fun to you" I blurted
"I am sorry"
"I am more sorry for opening up to you" I said sternly
"I feel so confused right now, I love you but.."
he paused
"but I was raped and it's a big deal right?
the amazing thing is I told you about this, thinking I could lean on you, thinking you could hold me at night when I have those horrible nightmares but hell no! you had to tell your gang about it, laugh about it, laugh about me like i'm just some joke. What I don't get is how all this is my fault, I'm so done with all this, i'm done feeling guilty over something which wasn't my fault, you could go to hell with your gang, I don't care anymore" the words left my lips before I could  process them, he stood dumbfounded. The heat rising between us was now becoming unbearable
"I'm sorry you had to overhear my discussion with the boys, I know I shouldn't have told them all that, I messed up big time and I told you I needed space because i needed to think" he said staring at me with narrowed eyes
"I'm tired of being managed, tired of you making me feel like i'm trash, like i'm not worthy of your love. All I ever wanted was to be happy but sadness has fought me through every step of the way but, for the first time in my life I refuse to reserve space in my heart for someone who doesn't make efforts to stay, nice life Jack"
"Who do you think will want to be with you after knowing your past" he said half screaming and I stared at him for few seconds shocked at his choice of words
"Somebody more sensible than you" I said cleaning my tear streaked face.

Tears flooded my face as I took a cab to the hostel, I was emotionally exhausted, my heart ached, expectation was the root of this pain. I expected too much, I expected him to love me, love the broken me and, not letting my past define me. There's a difference between a red light and a misunderstanding and, this was a red light, I had to let go

I knew I looked horrible by the time I got to the hostel but actually  I felt worse

"Mum" I cried out as she picked
"Lisa are you okay" she asked even though she knew the answer to that already
"no mum" i said as dizziness seized my body
I moved towards the bed and just laid there
"You will be okay baby"
"when mum? when? I just want a normal life, I want to be normal and fine mum just normal" as the words escaped my lips my heart shattered a thousand more times
"I don't know when everything will be okay maybe not today, not tomorrow or next tomorrow but believe me one day everything will be okay" she said fighting back tears
I could feel it from her shaky voice
"but mum" I was about complaining
"shuuuuu stop counting your flaws already you wouldn't have fingers left for strength" She said with emphasis
"I love you mum" I said as my eyes flickered close
"I love you 'morest' " she said softly
I giggled a little wen she said  'morest'
"get some rest now"
"I will mum" I said
I didn't want her to hang up just yet but, she had to
My whole body ached as I rolled on the bed. I felt drained, so drained.

I didn't  have to do this, I thought as I swallowed 3 capsules of Methionine slowly, I was becoming addicted to this sedative
I could hear my mum's voice telling me not to take them but I just couldn't help it. I needed sleep

Slowly I felt my sleepy edge widening, dizziness seized my body harder this time and, my inside churned as I laid on the bed with my eyes closed.
"You shouldn't have taken overdose" a voice whispered in my head as my eyes flickered