Broken

Albatross

"3 new drugs Liz" she struggled with the words
"You have to take them mom" I pleaded
"I don't want to Liz" her feeble hands straightened her dress as she spoke
"Like is this even suppose to be an issue?" my pulses elevated as I spoke
"What's the need of taking them?"
"Mom, please for Christ's sake don't make things hard for us"
"How harder can it get Liz?"
"We can brave the storm mom, hope keeps me going. Just for me, take them" I pushed the glass of water towards her but again she ignored it
"The drugs make me restless Liz" My heart squeezed as she spoke
"It relieves the pain mum"
"I don't know how much time I have left, those morphines only make me sleepy and I want to spend time with you.Is it too much to ask?" The pain I felt as she spoke could be compared to someone skinning your skin with a blunt blade
"Don't loose hope now please" I said as my chords barely gave way for my voice
"You know that's all I wanted from you all these years. To keep fighting for me. I don't want to leave you here all alone, I don't know how the sound of your laughter sounds like, I watched you play with your breakfast every single morning looking all broken. I've watched sadness drain through you these years and always, always I was helpless. The smile which was meant to light up your face slowly became something you put on to lie to the world you were okay. Sadness has become your albatross. I watched it settle over your skin. I am not scared of dead Liz, I've watched my only child die inside, nothing could beat that pain." Tears rolled down my cheeks causing my lips to quiver as she spoke.
"Waging war against an invisible enemy.  I failed a thousand times more than I even tried. I don't want the morphines Liz, let me make the rest of my days the best. At least you are sitting right next to me, what more can I ask?" I dried her face as salty drops poured while she spoke.
"I am sorry mom" the words left my lips as I fought back tears
"You don't have to be" She reached out for my hand, her feeble fingers wrapped around mine rubbing my fingers slowly with her thumb. I laid my head on her bed as tears found their way to the ground.
After what seemed like 5 minutes I raised up my head to find her sleeping. She laid in sleep and I just sat there looking at her as my mind raced, thinking of possibilities of saving her. I was so helpless, felt tired and didn't know what to do I had giving up on myself so many times already but this time was different I wanted to fight, I was so tired of letting melancholy fill me, this time I wanted to fight for something and see how it felt. Giving up wasn't an option.
I reached out for her hands and closed my eyes raising my head skyward murmuring a prayer to the wind,
"I bowed down my head some years back and wondered if you could hear me. Today with my head lifted up I do nothing but wonder still. You took dad from us and left us with nothing but fragments of memories, I watched mom pray to you even with a heavy heart every single day. I am a pipe with so many leaks, a wounded heart with so many fresh wounds, don't let death snatch the only person I can call family, I don't know how much more this heart can take, I can't survive in this cold world all by myself Jesus"I feel my lips quiver and the muscles of my cheeks tremble as my eyes give way for the small crystal beads that rolled down my cheeks and ended up falling off my lips. Unable to think straight, unable to breath normally, my world became blur, my thinking oblique and my sky grey.
"Liz Liiiz Liiiiiiz" she struggled with my name while gasping for air
"Mom" I stood up as my heart raced. She tapped her fingers on the bed, pulling off the white cotton bedsheet and scratching the thick mattress with her nails eyes filled with 10 shades of agony. She struggled for air as she gasped.
"Breath please" I screamed holding her hand
"I am right here. Breath please don't close your eyes, stay with me please breath mom i'm standing here" A pair of tears raced down my face as I spoke
I pressed the emergency button stuck to the wall over and over.
"Somebody please help me" I said in between tears
The door flung open and a nurse and 2 doctors ran in
"Help her please please help her" My heart squeezed as I pleaded
"Ma'am you have to please go out" A nurse said
"Please no no no let me be here please"
"We can't let you stay here please" she said while walking me out
As I moved out I could hear my mom make pain filled noises, her cries became louder and her breathe heavier
Her loud screams cut through my veins squeezing my heart. The wooden door and translucent blue window curtains prevented me from seeing what was happening.
After about 15 minutes a nurse ran out, in less than a minute she got back in carrying a tray and syringes together with other stuffs I couldn't identify. I thought of moving close to her to ask what was happening but she moved really fast.

Waking up each day is a gift. Moving each day with little or no pain, with little or no aches was something I always took for granted until now. Hearing the beeping sound of machines, watching the nurses run in and out trying to save a life made me do nothing but think. At some point we are able to move then at some point we need a wheelchair. At some point we breathe and then somewhere along the line some people need life support. We good at some point later we are rushed to the ICU. Nefariously life strikes at some point, blissfully at some other. So many questions ran through my mind as the wooden door separated my mom and I, why did happiness seem so distant? my puffy eyes started watering for the hundredth time.