Broken

Amelia

"You are good to go but, I will recommend you see a psychotherapist" Doctor John said fixing his blue eyes on me

Like I knew a psychotherapist was just a softer word for a psychiatrist.
"Am I crazy?" I looked deep into his eyes trying to assimilate what he just said
"Like do I have to be put in am asylum?" I went on
"Not asylum Crazy Crazy" he said half laughing
I wondered how he could find this amusing
"okay I think I should put it this way, you tried harming yourself and because you tried it ones means, you might try it again. you don't need medical help, you need more than medical help" he explained
"I'm Okay" I snapped
"Medically you are but, I don't know about the rest" he said sternly
"and, because you just said you are okay doesn't actually mean you are" he added

For the first time I had nothing better to say or do than stare.

"If being okay can be linked with popping pills then believe me i'll rather prefer being not okay" he said
"I'm fine" I said calmly
"Your definition of fine is weird"
"I know what is good for me and you would never understand me even if I tried to explain"
"Try me" he said, his words sounding so sincere

I wanted to try him, I wanted to open up but, the last time I did, I ended up being a laughing stock. 

"I wouldn't want to force you to do what you don't feel like doing, like I said medically you are okay so, you are good to go" After seconds of steady stares, he walked out of the room

The air seemed thinner, a wave of guilt hit me as he walked out, I felt more guilty because he opened up last night and I couldn't do same now.

After a brief exchange of words between the nurse at the Emergency unit and I, I knew who brought me here, my bills were paid already. That's Jack's thing
I got the vitamins which were prescribed, I gave the nurse a smile of gratitude as she handed the drugs to me
My conversation with doctor John kept ringing in my head, i then decided to stop by the psychotherapist.

A faint shiver prickled my bare arms with gooseflesh as I stood by the door
I stood there all confused, I didn't know how it worked, was i to fix an appointment or what? I stood there thinking
My head screamed "knock already"
I wasn't ready for all the lengthy talks just yet

My frustrated eyes revealed more than it hid, I sat on an empty bench by the office door with my head tilted to the wall, I was emotionally exhausted like, I was really tired to the bone, 'What had i become?' I wondered, 'stone cold' my head answered
My own thoughts sent chills down my spine
This was the moment where my frustration turned into tears
Realization knifed through me, I had to stop holding on to past pain and, i didn't know how to... So, I concluded therapy was my best option

"Good morning Miss" the unexpected voice caused me to jerk a little.

Immediately i tried drying my tears.

"Let them flow, it isn't a sign of weakness, it's water to growth" she said while offering me a white hanky

I could barely come up with something reasonable to say, felt like my brain had frozen

"You know sometimes some memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks too" She said
I looked up now meeting her gaze, making no move nor uttering a word
"There was a time when everything went wrong, I was stressed, depressed but always well dressed" she said half laughing
Since she talked about 'well dressed'  I immediately scanned what she was wearing, She wore a high slit off-shoulder Ankara top with, matchsticks Jeans and flats, honestly she was looking good maybe, the African prints did the trick
She looked awfully easy to talk to
"i'm Amelia" Her voice could calm a storm, her dark eyes reminded me of my mum, my thoughts drifted to my mum, I imagined how worried she must be by now
"Lisa" i said, swiftly lowering my lashes to avoid eye contact
"Thank you" I said as I stood up "for the hanky" I added
"It's nothing" She said smiling

despite the pain I returned the smile, I was so good at faking smiles by now

She opened the navy blue purse she held removed a card and handed it to me, it looked like any other business card
"You might want to come for a session some time, i'm running late for an appointment, hoping to hear from you soon" she smiled again then, left
Something about this place was too good to be true, people just smiling like they had no worries or were they just good at faking smiles like me?
I looked at the card and the word 'Psychotherapist' stood out
Was faith playing tricks on me? i stood there wondering as i scanned the card

I then grabbed my stuffs from the bench I sat on , as i was about leaving, I saw Doctor John... he was coming towards my direction