Broken

Quandary

As I moved towards the ward I felt a hand pull me back, it wasn't a gentle act neither was it a harsh one. I turned immediately almost like it was some reflex arc. My defense mechanism was alert. I could hear Amelia's voice ring in my head.. fight it, haphephobia can be controlled, fight it. Standing close to me was Abigail, her honey warm eyes reminded me of Sky, which made me calm.
"What do you want from me" she yelled
"I think you should be the one answering that, so could you answer the question?" I said softly fighting back anger growing in my chest but,
I didn't need to yell to make my point clear.
"Don't play the victim here" she blurted
"It depends on your definition of playing the victim, I wouldn't want to play that part even if it were on a script" I replied
"Let my family be" She said
"Why should I? because you did that so i'm to do same?" The words left my lips before I could stop them.What was I to say to a woman who didn't attend her only daughter's birthday. I sure didn't want to bring that in but I couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie
"you nothing" She said
"I sure didn't claim I knew nothing, so tell me who is nothing" I said sounding sarcastic
"I am not in for jokes here Miss"
"Neither am I" I defended
John tugged his fingers in his hair, I watched how he tensed up as we exchanged words. I decided to save him the stress. No need for all the drama
"I don't have plans on coming between you and your family, I do have a sick mother to take care of, Doctor John permit me leave you and your wife" I said stressing on wife
"Li..s..." John tried saying something but I stopped him before he could finish
"You lied to me" I snapped
"Not what you think" he said
"You are right, I really thought wrong" I said fighting back tears.

I sat on my normal spot in the room. I watched my mum breathe it was becoming a normal habit of mine. The beeping sound of the CRO was the only thing that could be heard. I felt my eyelids getting heavy, my body was exhausted, I was exhausted. I shut my eyes trying to drive away the crazy thoughts running through my mind, the thoughts ran faster than Usain bolt, I just couldn't slow it down.
why did he tell me he was divorced? why did he lie to me? Why would he do this to me?..the whys just kept piling up. Sometimes we ask questions we are not ready to hear their answers but I was just so certain I needed answers to these questions. I closed my eyes drifting into slumber. Every fiber of my body yearned for rest. I dozed off.

I fought my sleepy eyes from shutting as  I heard voices. I jerked a little, my brain trying to process what was happening.The blue eyes, my brain screamed.
"Lisa" She called out with a lot of effort
"Mu..m" I moved closer to her trying everything possible to avoid the blue eyed doctor
"You got me scared" I said fighting back tears
"No need to worry baby" She said
I nodded, talking wasn't wasn't the best idea right now.
"I will leave you now" John said
you should...I screamed in my head but as usual I faked a smile
"No no spend some time with us" My mum said
I was stunned.. This wasn't just a doctor patient conversation
"Okay if you insist" came his reply
No! she didn't insist, I said though not out loud , just in my thoughts
"Lis, John told me you guys are good friends " She said and her face brightened
"Yeah mum" I said after hesitating. She had no idea he was the guy I had dinner with. I didn't bother telling her
"That's nice" she said. I was sure she figured out I didn't want to talk about it

"Can we talk" John asked when mum fell asleep
"We are talking" I said bluntly
"Please don't make this harder than it is" he said fixing his blue eyes into mine
"You must be a psychic, I was about telling you that" I said shying away from his gaze
"Liz lets talk out please" He said his voice sounding calm
"Please John stop this. please" The words left my lips
"I can't Liz"
"Why can't you let me be"
"Please hear me out Liz. I just want to explain everything to you" He said sounding hurt. His eyes said a thousand things more than his mouth did. If he was faking this, he sure deserved an AMVCA
He opened the door and  allowed me walk out first. The little things he did and this particular little thing really mattered to me. If only Jack figured this out.
I sat down on my usual spot in his office. Not like I had so many options. There were just 2 chairs for patients.
"Liz" He called out my name
"All ears" came my reply
"I'm sorry" he apologized
"What for in particular" I asked
"Sky's mum" he said
"You mean your wife. The name is functional remember? Call her Abigail"
"We are separated" he defended
"Separation doesn't mean divorced" I said
"I know Liz. I just didn't know how to put it"
"What are you even saying. You are married John. Why don't you let me be. I feel like i'm lost in a maze and I'm struggling to get out. Whenever I feel I found my way out I go back to square one. I'm drained already. Please let me be"
"I can't let you be Liz. I've tried Liz, believe me I have. I really can't Liz"
"You are married John. Damnnn can't you see"
"I'm not married we are separated"
"Separation isn't Divorce"
"It is" he defended
"I'm not daft"
"I never said you were Liz"
"Stop all this John"
"I can't" he tugged his fingers into his hair as we spoke
"Why?" I asked
"Because I love you. As foolish as it may sound I do. I know I have fucked up so many times already. I know I'm not good enough for you and I also know we started on a wrong foot but above all I'm sure of what I feel. I'm sure I want to make things right with you, I want to hear from you 24/7. I want to be the person who keeps you company when you can't sleep at night, the shoulder you can always cry on Liz. I do want you. Please" he said
Silence stole the air