Broken

Reminisce

I crouched frozen in darkness all shaky and sweaty, another nightmare
There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake up for the same fear, I didn't even know where i fell since the nightmares followed me like my shadow on a sunny day
I was still in the same clothes though i took a shower earlier, it made me feel dirty just the same clothes idea made me feel dirty

I decided to move a little, a little stroll in the building won't hurt, I thought as i woke up
Each door had a name tag and function, i read most of them but what caught my attention was 'psychotherapist ', before my mind could process it, i heard footsteps from behind and swiftly turned
'Doctor John" i said almost murmuring
"oui mademoiselle" he said in french
I smiled as if  I knew what he meant
"why aren't you sleeping" he asked as he offered me a cup
I didn't have a chance to turn down his offer also, i didn't want to
"Insomnia" i said
"same here" he said
If a doctor could suffer from insomnia who  then, who was Lisa? the thought of it made me feel better a little
I sat down after he pulled the wooden chair out for me
'gentlemanly' my head said
if only we could think what everyone else was thinking, i sat thinking
"you really don't talk much do you?" he asked finally breaking the silence
"I do talk but i don't really explain myself when people misunderstand me"
"Why"
"because people understand from their level of perception" i said sternly
"wow, you seem like one tough nut to crack" he said
"You could be a nutcracker, you know" i said half laughing
"oh, she laughs" he said sounding all surprised.
I hadn't laughed in days and honestly i felt better
"you know laughing is the best therapy, nothing has the right to muffle your smile, do that often okay" he said giving me that 'a word to a wise is sufficient look'
i sipped whatever he gave me, it wasn't coffee for sure, it tasted more like warm milk and honey
"Never had this" i said honestly
"it's just warm milk and honey, nothing extra" he said then sipped
"Never had it" i said then realizing i had said that before, was my brain on repeat, i wondered
"So could you tell me more about yourself" he asked politely
That was the last thing i expected from him, i'm sure my surprised face made him feel he was trying too much of his luck
"If you don't mind" he added
"I'm Lisa, and i lost more than i ever won" i said
"Any dreams?" he asked
i looked at him wondering if i shouldn't answer his questions or i should
i chose the latter
"I want to become my own self fulfilled prophecy" i said bluntly
"Cool..i'm john, i'm a doctor i know that is obvious, i'm a divorcee with a daughter"
i didn't expect that, 'daughter' 'divorcee' Damnnnn my head screamed
"How old is she" i asked sounding quizzically
"5+, She is more like an answered prayer" he said in a deep vibrant voice
"She is lucky she has you" i said getting all emotional almost with watery eyes

I stayed up the rest of the night on my bed writing
"Dear Dad,
Another letter i know you'll never get to read
Could you come back and stay for a while
Gradually i remember you in fragments
I still need you, you know
i miss you incessantly
come home already"
I scribbled the words then folded the paper and slid  it under my pillow, wondering how my dreams were changed into a nightmare within a flicker of an eye
"Would he ever come back home" i laid wondering
slumber seized me