Broken

Fears

"You plan on staring at me all night?" I asked, covering my face with my palm
"If you let me stare" he said while winking
"Permission not granted"
"uuuurgggh" he placed his hand on his chest as if he was having a heart attack
I did nothing but laugh as I watched him play around.
"I will just stare at her" he said fixing his gaze on my mum
I looked at her mentally comparing her to her previous size. Her collar bones which were once not visible were now pronounced. Her fingers had become thinner and her face pale. The crack lines on her lips, wrinkles on her face and the dark circles around her eyes made her look even worst.
We are indeed just mortals, I thought to myself
"Do you mind stepping out?" John asked
"Why, anything?" I asked a little tensed
"Nothing to worry about Liz, calm down" he said rubbing my arms
"Shall we?" he asked this time while on his feet. I woke up reluctantly as he held my hand gesturing me to wake up
"Really now?" I asked as he pulled me up
"Yeah Liz, trust me on this."
He slipped his hands into mine, tightly fitting  like a key and it's right lock. A rush of heat flushed down my body from the contact of our bodies. I stared at him oddly wondering if he felt same way I did but escaped his gaze when our eyes met
"You really amaze me" John said fixing those deep blue sea eyes on me. I could feel his gaze on me without making eye contact
"Tell me more" I teased
"Really really amaze me" he said
"You are actually just joking around huh" I said raising my brows
"I like when you do that" he said sounding a little bit softer than usual
"like what in particular?" I teased further pretending not to know what he was talking about
"When you play around with your brows, I feel like there's a playful side of you you try so hard to suppress" he said
"I like when you do that too" I said raising my brows again this time while smiling. He returned the smile and held my hand tighter
"Do what too?"
"When you say something deep in a shallow way"
"No... I don't" He said almost half screaming
"shuuuuuuuuu" I said trying to remind him of our location.
"Okay Doc" He responded in a playful tone and
I just smiled as he teased me.
"Where are you taking me too, it's a little cold out here" I said slipping my fingers away from his and rubbing my arms
"Come here" he said pulling me into his arms.
My body went rigid as he took me by surprise. I held him tighter to get a hold of myself.
"Are you okay?" he asked
"Are you okay?" he repeated but this time a bit firmer
"I am"
"Should we go back in, are you too cold?" he asked whispering in my ears
"No, I just got a little scared. I am good" I said not breaking from the embrace
"I'm sorry. We shouldn't have left the room just I really wanted to distract you a little." he explained
"No no it's okay. Just you pulled me a little by surprise and I just don't know. I think I got scared a little." I said with my chords barely giving way for my voice for the emotions which overwhelmed inside
"I understand. I'm sorry.Do you want us to sit down? or should I get you a bottle of water?" he asked calmly
"I'm good John, not to worry" I said
"I love you Liz. I wish I could take away all past pain and hurt. I want to bring you so much joy and happiness your heart can hold, turn those grey clouds blue, let me help you Liz"
"I think I am okay"
"I want to make you happy, there's a difference"
"I think a part of me died a long time ago"
"Hope the part wasn't your heart" he said sounding calm
"Hopefully" I said
"How do you feel right now" He asked
"Now?" I tugged my fingers in my hair as I spoke
"Yeah Liz, like right now"
"I think I am actually feeling feelings right now. I want to give in my all into this relationship but I just can't. I'm not normal, like I can't explain. I cannot.. I can't.. Okay. I'm somehow trying to deal with so many fears right now and I just think I can't have a normal life. I am not normal"
"Making you abnormal?" he asked widening his eyes in surprise. I did nothing but shook my head in response
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that Liz, I have so many fears, just so many but I can't let my fears get the best of me and not enjoy my life. We deserve to be happy not just be okay. I told everyone I was okay after the separation but being okay was far from being happy."
"John you won't get it"
"Tell me your fears Liz, Make me get you. Let me try first, at least even if I fail I know I tried
rather than just folding my arms. Let me try starving those fears please Liz tell me"
"I'm scared John, I'm really scared" I said as tears rolled down my cheeks
"hushh now, hushshhhh..." He pulled me close and my body tensed up again.
"I think we should sit" he said pointing at a long chair which was few meters away
"Where is this place" I asked as we moved
"It is an extension of the hospital." he said
"Wow, I had no idea it was part of hospital" I said
"Yeah it's a new project my.. my boss is coming up with"
"That's cool" I said.
"You are actually good at changing topics" he said while smiling fixing his eyes on me
"you are actually good at catching me" I said and we both laughed together
"So.."
"So...?? I gestured while widening my eyes
"When was the last time you saw Amelia" he asked and silence stole the air
"Don't remember" came my snappy reply. I tried pretending the question didn't affect me but I knew  it was evident
"In order words you dropped therapy?"
"I really don't need it believe me" I defended
"You know that's not true"
"It is Liz" He said raising his voice a little
"I'm okay"
"Because you said you are okay doesn't mean you are" he added
"How can I prove to you I am okay? I have actually ran out of ways to convince you?"
"Kiss me"