Broken

Happiness in hapleness

He opened the guest room and I moved to the bed, I struggled with my shoes then laid on the bed, for a moment I felt numb.
John stood looking at me without saying a word. I wasn't in the mood for a conversation, and I hated the pitiful stare he shot at me, I gave him dagger stares in return.

"I will fix you a towel and a nightwear" John said and I nodded expecting him to leave already.

Somehow he convinced me to stay at his place and without debating I agreed. Guess that's what lovers do, be there for each other in hard times.
"Even as a friend please Liz stay at my place" he had murmured huskily as we left the hospital.
I accepted his offer for reasons more than one. It was the right thing to do and I needed company. No matter how hard I denied I needed his company most especially
I fumbled with the animal print blanket as I tried  covering my legs. John moved to the bed, pulled up the blanket then sat by me. He pushed back a stray curl of hair that lingered around my face, tugging my hair backwards.
"I am here" he said whispering
"For you" he added my favorite line. I closed my eyes trying to process everything.
We all deserve  that one person in our life who burns out pain not bring pain.
"I can't tell you I understand how you feel because I don't know how it really does but I know how loving you feels like. I won't let you go through this alone. I promise" Something about the way he spoke made me believe him, was it his voice or the solemnity in his tone? I did nothing but wonder
"Thank you" I said out loud but a lot more in my head.
He sandwiched my hand in his hands  as he fixed his blue gaze on me.
"Don't mention" I faked something that felt like a smile as he spoke. He deserved more than a fake smile but my head was crowded, the pain in my heart overwhelmed his gaze.
"You should take a warm bath, I'm few seconds away  so just call me if you need anything okay?" he rubbed my cheek but this time it didn't flare up
"Thank you"  I slipped my hand from his and looked away as my eyes were about to do what they knew best, cry.
I could see sadness fill his face when he reluctantly shut the door. With reluctance, I woke up from the bed then peeled off the slim jeans I had on together with my favorite Adidas t-shirt. I tied my hair up into a bond then walked to the bathroom
My legs seemed attached, my heart seemed heavier and my eyes were painful. I stood in the shower as water moved from cold to warm against my skin
Why couldn't I wash off this pain that lingered in my chest? I wondered
Somethings are just meant to be unexplainable
After my bath, I wore the nightwear John had fixed for me in the wardrobe,  I knew somebody who would agree with me with the fact that it smelled expensive, I giggled at the thought of my mom.
I sat on the luxurious mattress which made me hate my worryingly thin mattress at the hostel with thoughts popping up from left and right

Thunder rumbled and wind blew the window blinds open. I rolled to the other side of the bed which was by the window and closed the louvres. Even the clouds cry, I whispered to the wind, guess that was suppose to make me feel better
I laid on the bed with my face facing the ceiling as the rain poured down gently tapping against my window. I wished I had bought my sleeping pills. Helpless in my cage of pain, I could feel a crushing pain on one side of my head.
My head throbbed like someone had a knife in it, my eyes watered as I recollected happenings  of my day.

A knock at the door saved me from my own thoughts. I wasn't sure if truly there was someone there because by now the rain poured down with a roar but then the knock got louder
I opened the door and staring at me with a pair of  warm honey eyes was Sky. Standing there with her hair pulled backwards with the aid of a rubber band. Her mickey mouse pajamas and white carpet slippers made her look more adorable. She was eye catching
"Sky" I huskily murmured
"Aunt Liz, good evening" she greeted and leaned on me, I rubbed  her back. Something about her reminded me of John
We moved to the bed, she was a fast talker she could say a hundred things in a minute
I watched her talk and answer her own questions, and laugh to her jokes better than I did. She was a happy soul.
Minutes later, I heard another knock on the door, Sky ran to the door before I could leave the bed
"Daddddy" she screamed and jumped on his body
"I told you not to leave your room" he tingled her as he spoke.
"Daaad stop" half laughing she kept screaming
I smiled as I watched them play. They both moved to the bed. John fixed his eyes on me making me uncomfortable. I grabbed a pillow on the bed pulling it closer to my chest and resting my head to the wall. John moved towards me and sat right next to me, Sky spoke facing us, she said so many things and laughed to her own jokes before she could tell us half of it..
"You have to  go to bed" John told Sky after she yawned two times in a row
"Can I sleep with you today?" she asked
"No baby but tomorrow I promise"
"That's okay. I will sleep with my nanny" she said not affected by John's refusal
She jumped from the bed after kissing us good night and moved out of the room singing.
John smiled as he watched her leave and I did nothing but wonder how it felt like to have a kid.  I held the pillow tighter as I thought of the feeling.
"How many kids do you want" He broke the silence
"Never really thought of how many I wanted" Came my reply
"Just call a number"  he insisted
"12" I said grinning
"I'm up to the task" he said flexing the muscles of his  arm.
"You still need kids?" I asked curiously
"It depends" he replied
"On?" I went on with my questions
"On You"
"Me?" I asked shyly
"Yeah it depends on you." he said winking
"Okay" I said trying not to prolong the talk
"Can I ask for a favor?"  he faced me as he asked
"Yeah sure" I answered
"I'll make it easier so you have to choose between the 2 options. Can I sleep here?" he asked playing with his fingers. He did that often when he was tensed
"What's the second option?" I pushed my luck
"2nd option, Could you sleep here with me" he grinned
"Damn! that's not fair" I yelled
"I gave 2 options" he said sounding serious
"The same options you mean" I defended
"It depends on how you see it" he went on
"You basically said the same stuff twice"
"That's a hell of an accusation" he smiled
"Nooooo" I did nothing but laugh
"So?"
"So?" I repeated his question
"1 or 2?" he asked raising one of his brows
"3 is good" I said  trying to raise my left brow
"That's not fair"
"Nothing is fair in life" I said as thoughts of my mom popped up on my mind
He pulled me closer  placing my head on his legs and tugging my hair backwards. Light rain drops had turned into a heavy downpour by now. The window blinds flew open as wind swept into room
"You could use a roommate you know. I won't tax you high trust me" he said playfully
"I wasn't planing on spending the night alone" I said as I clung to him for the hundredth time. It was then I realized that sometimes we are our own culprit. We convict ourselves over and over again, we end up carrying loads that are meant to be left lying on the ground. Over and over we choose to intoxicate our own self. We keep making happiness seem like a chance whereas it is a choice. Slowly, we choose to ebb in darkness, pain and past misfortune rather than strive to be better and why not best?
What if I died tonight? there was nothing to boast of in my life just broken pieces I had chosen to lay emphasis on. I thought as I laid on the bed.
Maybe it was time to step over the ledge, maybe it was time to find happiness in haplessness. Maybe it was time to stop saying maybe.

"Can I ask you something"John helped me from drowning in my own thoughts again
"Yes you can" I answered
"Don't leave me" he whispered
"The things you call questions are amazing" I said half smiling
I rubbed his arm.