Broken

It Hurts then, it Heals.

My head was foggy, I tried opening my eyes slowly but, I felt my eyelids stick together, as if every eye lash weighed more than it had to. My eyes fluttered open slowly and I tried making them stay open. Soon, I was aware of the  polystyrene filled ceiling and beautiful frame of art stock on the wall  which immediately brought a wave of familiarity. For a split seconds it felt like déjà vu but it wasn't, it was reality. Once again, like a painting caught in the rain too soon, everything began to blur.

The beeping sound of the machines was all I could hear as I slowly opened my eyes squinting in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images. I jerked from the bed as I noticed somebody on the slush chair  and immediately fell back realizing strength wasn't one of the things I could boast off at that moment.
"Forgive me if I startled you" he said, resting the dark circled blue eyes on me. One glance at him and I knew he lacked sleep
After seconds of awkward silence I shook my head in response. I didn't try talking, imagining the smell of my own breath made me giggle, though just in my head.
"What's wrong with me?" I finally let the words escape my lips
"Nothing we can't handle" he said calmly
That didn't answer my question but, hearing that made me feel better.
"Lis" he called out softly
"Yes Doctor" that came out too formal and that was how I intended it to be
"Is it okay by you if..if.. I stay here?" he stammered a little as he asked
"No" Came my reply... My heart and head said different things and I listened to my head, So far it took care of me better than my heart did
He said nothing for awhile, after minutes of awkward silence he stood up, straightened his white coat picked up his stethoscope from the chair
"I'm a call away" he said, then smiled and walked out closing the door behind him.
I felt my heart sink as the door closed.

I searched for my phone but, couldn't find it. Not like I received so many calls or something, by now it was obvious my mum was my lone caller. After a fruitless search, I laid back on the bed quietly thinking where I must have dropped it, I ended up dozing off for the hundredth time

Loud piercing cries echoed in the air into the night, it made the hair on my arms stand up straight, I felt my eyes widen and pulse quicken. It was the kind of scream that made your blood cold, adrenaline surged through my veins. I moved out of the room to the direction of the sound, my feet trembling a little. A child was covered on a stretcher and pushed towards the morgue. The piercing sound came from the room in which the lifeless boy was pushed out from. I leaned on the wall trying to gain my balance, we could never truly feel someone's pain from their cries but this came close. As I was about sitting by the wooden chair by the ward almost immediately, I spotted the blue eyed guy, he walked from the morgue towards his office just staring at him briefly made me know something wasn't alright. I had 2 options, walk towards him or quietly move to my room. I walked calmly to my room as the loud screams continued to creep through the night. I sat on the bed, shrugging off the image of the lifeless boy on the stretcher. The look on John's face wasn't one I could easily forget, I laid on the bed as wild thoughts popped in my mind from left and right. I give up, I said out loud as I walked out of the room to John's office. My feet got heavier the closer I got but, I just couldn't turn back for reasons I couldn't come up with. I knocked the half opened door before I could get a reply I walked in. His blue eyes were filled with sadness, I could bet he had been crying, it was then I realized I would have waited for approval before walking in.
"Hi" I said standing few meters away
He pointed the chair in front of me gesturing me to sit down then nodded.
"I can't seem to find my purse and bag I don't know if.." he cut me short before I could finish my sentence
"I will have a nurse hand them to you" he said not making eye contact
"Are you okay" the words escaped from my mouth after trying to hold them captive
He raised up his head looking perplexed as his eyes widen a little then shook his head. If it were me, I sure wouldn't open up but he did. learn from that, Amelia's voice rang in my head
"Do you want us to talk about it?" I asked
"Don't want to add up to your stress" he said
"I'm not complaining" I said
"I lost a patient today and it really got the best of me" he said sounding sad
"The little boy?" I asked
He looked at me looking really surprised.
"I heard loud screams so, I followed the noise and..." I stopped as he covered his face with his hands
"I tried all I could believe me" he said sounding like he really needed to explain it to me
"It isn't your fault John" I said stretching my hands reaching out to his.. I clutched at his fingers, letting the warmth of my hands know I was there for him.
He looked at me trying to process what was happening.
"I am sorry Liz" he said, fixing his blue eyes to mine as he held my hands tighter.
"It is okay" I said. I wanted to leave my past in the past, thinking about past errors and mistakes would only hurt me more. To heal this wound I needed to stop touching it. I had to drop yesterday's pain and junk to start up something new. This was something new because, I chose happiness.