Broken

Ebb into darkness

"You should dry those eyes before going in" John said as he cleaned my face with his palms. I nodded in agreement
"You know she needs you now more than ever right? you are her strength so chin up"
"Thank you" I managed to say.
He opened the door gently and we walked in. She laid helplessly on the bed. Day by day my world turned icy, happiness slipped further and further away and my twilight ebbed into darkness. I moved slowly towards the bed as if calculating every step. I reached out for her hand and fitted it into mine, they were so cold. Her eyes fluttered open as I rubbed her palms.
"Liiiz" she called almost inaudibly
"Mom"
"I love you" she said and my heart missed a beat
"I love your more mom" once again my emotions turned jagged and my inside tightened as crystal beads raced down my cheeks
"Promise me you'll live"
"Mom"
"Promise me Liz please"
"Mum I will live"
I heard the door close then turned to find John moving out
"You deserve more than what you offer yourself."
"Mom that's not what's important right now, just fight this for me mom, for us. I will be better I promise, anything you want. I will make as many friends as you want, smile often, be happy, let go but please don't leave me here alone. Fight please mum, fight this"
"The pain is unbearable Liz, I've fought and I am fighting but I don't know how long I can take this uuuuuuuuhhhguhhh..."Painful loud cries escaped from her lips
"Morphines" I could barely hear her clearly
I dashed out of the ward as I figured out what she said
"John... John" I screamed but to no avail so, I moved back to the ward then, pressed the emergency button one more time
"Keep your eyes open please, Yes just keep them open. Please." Her breathing raised, the beeping sound of the machines increased. She gasped for air as tears rolled from her eyes." The door swung open and the same nurses ran in together with two doctors, one of the doctors looked familiar and the other didn't.
I was asked to leave by the same nurse but as usual I denied.
"No no I don't want to" I pushed her hand off my shoulder
"You have to please" she pleaded
"No No Mom can you get me? mom I'm here" I could hear her scream in pain and I tried moving towards the bed but I was restricted.
The nurse held me tight trying to put me still but I fought back with every strength in me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and immediately I turned.
"Come here please" he said fixing his blue eyes on me
"John please don't let her die please"
"hush now" he said as we moved towards the door
I sank into the chair by the ward. Everything seemed blur, a wave of pain washed over me. John held my hand but even his touch couldn't make things feel better. My eyes hurt from crying and my heart felt heavier
I stood in front the translucent door trying to see what was happening in but, I couldn't see a thing.
I moved to and fro murmuring prayers as my eyes leaked. John didn't try to stop me this time. After about 15 minutes, a nurse walked out, in less than a split second a doctor did too. I moved slowly towards him, John hurriedly moved towards me.
"How is she?" I cleaned the tears that rolled and tried to get a hold of myself
"Can I go in please?" I pleaded. John held me close rubbing my arms
"I am sorry" he said
"We lost her"
Every other thing he said after those lines didn't make sense to me. I dropped to my knees, closing my eyes. My body shook, goosebumps covered my skin, my lips quivered. The pain increased in peaks, each peak robbing my ability to speak.
I saw John's lips move but I couldn't process what he kept saying. I pushed open the door and slowly walked in, this wasn't the cut or bruise kind of pain, this wasn't one in which band aids could be of help, this was unexplainable. The closer I got the more my heart sunk, slowly, I reached out for her hand, tears rolling down my cheeks as I touched her cold fingers. She laid lifeless on the bed.
"You promised mom. Why leave me here alone, Why? it has been us against this world,why leave me now? No mom no! no! please don't leave me here alone please, dad help me please I can't take this, mom you promised never to leave, you promised to be my guide at every bend. Lord why do you have to take away every single thing that brings me Joy. I want to know, Whhhhhhy? Why must I have to walk through this path alone, Moooom..."I dropped on my knees screaming. My heart heaved violently as the tears kept rolling
The door swung open for the hundredth time and 2 nurses walked in pulling a stretcher, John followed behind. I moved backwards watching them carry her to the stretcher. John moved closed to me, he held me close. I watched them push her out of the room with a white bedspread covering her from the crown of her head to the sole of her feet. I moved behind them forcing my feet to carry my body, every part of me felt acid flushed, my world stopped still on its axis, the deeper I thought the deeper I sunk in this sea of pain and the stronger these waves hit me.
She was taken into the morgue, I moved in with them, they both carried her off the stretcher, placing her on one of the 2 beds in the room. The nurses left saying nothing but their pitiful stares said a lot.
"Can I be here with her?" I asked and one of the guys nodded
"You can but not for long" the other guy added
They both left the room, John stood behind me.
"Can you please leave too"
"I will be okay " I said sounding stern
"I will be standing just by the door, okay?" He asked, softly rubbing my shoulders. I did nothing but nod.
I reached out for her hand, fitted my fingers into hers
"How can diamonds turn dust? how can our happy moments turn into painful memories? You know I need you. You are my spark of life and somehow you got extinguished. My twilight ebbs into darkness without you, but I think you deserve more than life offered. These fingers I can't feel life in anymore, these eyes that don't flutter, this heart I can't feel, this coldness that runs in your veins, I wish I could change all that, but maybe the stars just needed you more. Just maybe." My heart shattered into pieces for the hundredth time. I screamed at the top of my voice as a I dropped down on my knees. My head overthinking, my heart over raising my body not able to take it all.
"That's enough Liz, Please" John tried raising me on my feet
"I'm here for you, hush now" he tugged his fingers in my hair
"We should go home" I did nothing but nod as we moved out of the morgue. A part of me died as we left.