Broken

whirlness

I tugged on matchsticks blue jeans with a sleeveless white top. I pulled out my favorite flats, matching them with an animal print handbag. I did Light makeup and straightened my hair. No matter the mood, always look good... I remembered that line from a makeup advert. I had a busy today ahead of me, I thought as I paid the cab driver. I felt a little dizzy, the pills were surely having negative effects on me, I suspected. I wished i could stop taking them already but, how could I? I had more reasons to take them than not to.
I moved to the venue for the class and, I arrived late as usual. I sneaked in trying not to be noticed by the professor. Relief illuminated my face as I sat without being caught. She could be a torn in the flesh sometimes.
"Internship forms will be handed to you all. You all are expected to take this seriously and, remember you will be graded based on your reports from your bosses...For any other inquiry you could come by the office" the lecturer said loud and clear
Almost everyone had something to say, people grumbled from all ends of the class. I just looked around observing the whole scene

After the class, we all moved out. Everybody to a different destination. Some friends moved in groups, some were in pairs while people like me moved alone. I moved to my favorite spot on campus as usual, it was isolated. It would have been quiet if not of the chirping sound of the birds. I inhaled the fresh air sharply, as I sat on my favorite spot. After minutes of idleness, I checked out my face with the mirror app on my phone, my eyes said it all. Sadness stole it, even makeup couldn't hide that
The humming sound of my phone startled me a little. It was my Mum
The sharp intake of breathe proved how relieved I was because it wasn't someone I was ignoring
"Mum" I said trying my best to sound okay
"Lisa" she said sounding very weak. I immediately tensed up
"Are you okay mum?" My face paled up a little as I asked
"Just a little bit down" came her reply
She never admits she isn't feeling all that good. Hearing her admit it, sent chills down my spine.
"Could I come and spend some time with you?" She asked and my eyes watered as I heard her struggle with the words.
"For sure mum, anytime" I said as tears rolled down my cheeks
"Tomorrow then" She said calmly and hung up before I could say any other thing

I hadn't gone to see her in a long while. Regrets and guilt filled my whole system as I left for the next class. I sat down deep in thoughts. My internship form was handed to me, I didn't read it. My mind was too crowded. I neatly folded the A4 sized paper into equal halves an kept in my diary and kept in my handbag. I left earlier than I had intended.

I tried cleaning the room. I hid the pills in an empty milk tin and kept behind my cupboard. She would freak out if she saw them, I wasn't ready for drama. I sat on the lone chair in my room, staring at places like I was looking for some clue, like trying to figure out my way in a maze. It was almost time for my session and all I did was stare at my watch. I sat wondering If I should go. Life is like a bicycle to keep balance you had to keep moving, one of my mum's favorite lines rang in my head. I had cursed darkness enough, it was time to light a candle.

I stood in front of the hospital looking at the building. Memories flooded left and right as I walked in. I moved to Amelia's office, the door was half open as always. I hesitated before knocking. Immediately I knocked, I heard her telling me to come in. I walked in and nodded to her greeting then, moved to my favorite chair and sat frozen on it.
"I'm happy you could make it today" She said and I faked a smile in response
"I'm Sorry" She said reaching out for my hands
I sat staring at the 2019 diary on her desk, I had little or nothing to say
"I'm here to make you get better not make you become bitter" She said and I raised up my head now making eye contact. I looked at her, trying to match the sound of her voice with the look on her face. She looked sincere and sounded even more sincere.
"I tried talking to John about letting you know what was up but.. bu..t" she stammered then paused
"he was scared(she paused) scared you would not forgive him" She added
I was speechless by now. I actually never knew what to say. I was scared if I said something I might have ended up in tears.
"You guys should please talk, to err is human and to forgive is divine" She said still holding my hands.
"Thank you" I said, my voice came out all croaky as my throat tightened.

I moved out of the her office and I felt dizziness steal my body again. I leaned on the wall and shut my eyes trying to gain my balance. I covered my face with my palms and stood still for a while.
Unhappiness loves company don't let it reside, Amelia's voice rang in my head. I felt relieved a little, after few minutes. Gently, I moved towards the exit door and as I was about walking out, I lost my balance again. This time the whirling sensation was stronger. I fell to the ground slowly, my consciousness ebbed.