Broken

Loud Silence

This book is a participant in the fan fiction award by Bellarina50

Wind twirled in my hair as John drove. He said nothing and guilt had the best of me. I avoided eye contact and concentrated on the rain, any idea of how to start a conversation froze up.
"You should wear something warm" he said pointing in the direction of his jacket
"Thank you" I said but, I was too guilty to accept  the kind gesture
"I'm sorry John" I said and he fixed his blue eyes on mine for what seemed like a split second then concentrated back on the road.
"What for?" he asked quizzically
I rolled my eyes then placed my head in my palms. I knew deep down what he was doing. This was his way of making me feel guilty and honestly it was working
"Jack" I said almost in a whisper
He drove for about a meter then stop the engine. The force in which he stopped caused me to jerk forward a little.
"What's up with him?" he asked calmly and his words stung me
"Nothing" easily, the words slipped out of my mouth
"Okay, then I think there's nothing to talk about" he said turning the key to start the engine
"It wasn't what you saw John" I said and he dropped his hand from the key
"You should look for a better defense line don't you think so?" he blurted
"It's far from that"
"You could Start by what's closer if you don't mind" he said with a conversational tone although his blue eyes were smoldering fire in them. This was a part of him I was yet to meet, today I did.
"It was raining so he couldn't leave" I said
"I get it" he said after seconds of silence
"You do?" I asked puzzled
"It was raining and he couldn't leave" he said
"You just repeated what I said"
"Yeah that's because I understood what you said and I understood it like you said it"
"I'm sorry John"
"you shouldn't be"
"Why shouldn't I?" I asked confused
"Because I have no right to be angry at you. You've always made it clear you wanted us to just be friends. I've been trying to make you understand how I feel but it seems like a lost battle before I even start fighting. I don't get why this changes anything. You avoid me, get angry at the sight of my ex-wife, I keep trying to get close to you but, you don't seem to want me around. I don't get why you feel guilty now. You clearly still love him." he said with irritation clear in his voice.
"That's not true" I said almost half screaming
"Then your judgement of the truth isn't just. I just saw you kissing the guy and you were clearly enjoying every moment of it." he said and I could pick up the jealousy in his speech
"You have all rights to be mad at me right now. I have no defense line, nothing to justify my actions but believe me Jack is part of my past" I said fighting back tears
"I have a past too Liz, one I wouldn't be proud to voice out at any instance but then, I don't live there anymore. I want to be loyal to my future because I think that's the right thing to do. Please correct me if I'm wrong in having these principles." he said not breaking eye contact, sending a wave of guilt down my spine. If his lips said a thousand words I could bet his eyes said a million more.
I felt awkward I had no answers to his questions neither were there defense lines. I escaped his gaze fixing my eyes on the rain drops which by then had increased. One of the worst feelings in the world was guilt and it had a way of getting the best of me. The big question was, why was I so guilty? I didn't owe anyone loyalty. Some questions could be answered easily but sometimes we just choose to complicate the answers, I could hear Amelia's voice pop in my head. Immediately, I shrugged off the thought of her.

I listened to silence throughout the rest of the drive to the hospital. I wasn't ready for another fight much less with John.

As we arrived the parking lot of the hospital, I tried opening the door to leave but discovered it was locked automatically.
I stared at him hoping he opens without me having to ask but he just stared blankly at the wind shield.
As I was about speaking, he turned to face me and at that point, my resting heart started beating rapidly just like it did few minutes back.
"John" I said half whispering
"Liz" he called out my name too
"I am sorry" The words left his lips with so much ease
"You shouldn't be sorry" I said as I dropped my gaze.
"I shouldn't have interfered with your private stuffs at the first place. I don't know what got over me." He said apologetically
"I understand you"
"You do?" he asked while widening his eyes as he spoke
"Yeah I do, I would have reacted worst trust me. That's more than an unbeatable fact. You wouldn't be centimeters away right now" I said and he smiled as I spoke.
Somehow, his smile managed to soothe my nerves.
"Why would you?" he asked
"Why?" I repeated the first word of the question as if I was trying to process it.
"Yes, why would you react that way?" he said
"I think.. maybe.. hmmm.. I think you should go first So.. Why?" I said as I tugged my hair backwards
"Something close to jealousy" He said without hesitating
"How close?" I teased
"Something close to fear"
"Fear?" I asked with curiosity
"Fear of loosing you. The craziest part is I can't even remember having you." He dropped his gaze as he spoke. For what seemed like the first time, he avoided eye contact.
Why ask questions you are not ready to hear answers to? I asked myself.
That was another question I didn't have an answer to.
For the hundredth time in one day silence spoke again.