Broken

Clothed with strength

"You would have told me you know" I said as her eyes fluttered
A wave of silence filled the room. After what seemed like a minute or more she answered
"I just wanted you to worry less Liz" 
"I wish that was possible, I wish it was as simple as you make it sound"
"I'm sorry Liz" she said as tears rolled down her cheeks
"Why does life always have to hit us so hard Mum? What am I expected to do right now?" The tears just kept rolling as I spoke
"You know I always want you to be happy. That has been my goal for years now, I promised your dad I would always strive to make you happy but I failed a thousand times as much as I tried" she said and my throat tightened
"Mum that's not true" I said
"Liz I just wanted the rest of my life to be the best that was the reason I couldn't tell you. I didn't know how you would handle it. I just want to see you happy, watch you fall in love, be there while you let go of things you shouldn't be holding onto. You fell and stayed on the ground for too long already. Telling you about  my health wasn't my best option. For years I tried making you understand Scars were not signs of defeat nor weakness but just a sign to show you survived but, I couldn't make you get it. What more of my health? How was I to explain it to you" She spoke with a lot of effort as tears rolled down her cheeks. Watching her cry made me realize how deep she understood what was going on in my head even though for as long as I could remember I tried faking being alright around her.
"Mum I'm trying" I said calmly
"by crying? or by always thinking? you always have something negative running through your mind. I just wish you could see yourself  differently. You are not less of who you are because of your past Liz, it was never your fault baby"
"You are my everyday strength mum, the only reason I look back and smile. I don't see a better me without you, I don't! believe me. I have nowhere to go if you are not around because you are my home. I can't imagine life without you, I feel drained just thinking about everything. I just want to scream then wake up from this nightmare" I said and I felt as if a furnace of pain had been ignited in
"Do you ever wonder how I feel? how it was like watching you grow while you were dead inside? I forgot the sound of your laughter, I forgot how you smiled. I promised your dad I would strive to make you happy but I lost before I could even try. I need you too Liz, I need your smile to keep me going, I need you to be whole. I just don't know how to fix your heart and make your fragments whole again"
"I'm trying mum. Believe me I am"  I said but she cut me short before I could continue
"When I lost your dad. I felt as if I lost a part of me. I had 2 options, either wake up one more time than I fell or just remain on the ground. You know  I fought being happy because of you. You won't know happiness if you reside with sadness Liz. I feel drained, I feel helpless watching you get worse daily" she said and my heart broke a thousand more times
"How do I put band aids on a broken heart? How do I mend my broken soul? How do I fit this jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces? I'm trying too mum believe me, but the sharp edges of these broken pieces keep on wounding me each time I try to start over" I said and I felt a sharp pain in my heart.

It hurt me badly knowing how much she got hurt seeing me broken.

"Our hearts were meant to be broken Liz. If you don't experience pain you won't know how to cherish joy. Our hearts were meant to be broken so the right person would come in and mend it Liz. You just have to let someone in."
"Mum I'm trying but..."
"You should fight back the buts Liz. You are clothed with strength believe me when I say this. Can't you see it? I wish for a moment you could see yourself through my eyes to know how much you mean to me" Her dark eyes watered as she spoke.

I felt my world crumble before me as the only person I swore to make happy was being hurt by me.
If I was clothed with strength surely weakness had a way of penetrating me or maybe I just had a way of letting weakness penetrate me every time.

I left for the hostel after she slept off.. I took a cab and as I entered, I plugged in my earpiece to my phone, increased my volume and played my favorite song. I needed to distract myself a little.
About half a Kilometer to the hostel, I noticed it was raining. Again I realized how bad of a weather forecaster I was.
I ran out of the cab to the hostel's entrance. It took like forever before I could reach my destination.
If the rain could wash away misery I sure would have been a happy soul because I was soaked before I could reach my room.
I stood by my door shivering a little and trying to find my keys. I pushed the key into the door knob and the door gave way before I could turn the key. It was open
A chill of fear rushed down my spine and almost immediately, the shivering stopped. This was surely because my adrenaline level was at its peak
I had two options either I ran back to the hospital in my wet clothes or brave the storm and just walk in and get a change of clothes. I chose the latter. I moved into the room at the tip of my toes for reasons I couldn't lay my hands on.
Maybe the door was left open when she was rushed to the hospital, a voice in my head said.
That's just one of the many options, my thoughts came in a whisper when I spoke to myself.
As I folded the first matchstick jeans I found, I didn't have time to make a choice of what I wanted to wear, I heard something fall in the bathroom.I shivered as I heard it fall. My adrenaline level was at its peak. I moved towards the bathroom still on my toes. As I moved closer, a familiar fragrance hit me. I suspected who could be in the bathroom if at all there was someone in there. I pushed the bathroom door picking a wooden stick by the door before the door swung open. I raised the stick up in the air ready to defend my myself if need be. My hands froze up  as I stood facing him.
He was the last person I  expected to see here. I lowered my hands as my eyes met with his.
"Li..sa" he stammered my name and my heart leaped.
"Jack"
Was I dreaming? I thought