Broken

Questions and Answers

"Try harder" I said as I rejected John's call again. He just wouldn't give up, I thought out loud.

I wished for a day where the searing pain will be distant enough to forget, rather than remember. Salty drops rolled down my cheeks as my lips trembled. I tried bottling all up but, I couldn't control it anymore, letting out heavy sobs from my throat, I couldn't hold the weight in my chest and pain at the back of my mind
I peeled off the red gown from my skin. The thought of how excited I was earlier that day came flooding and I tried ignoring it. I chose my favorite tracksuit from the pile of dresses in my wardrobe, grabbed my purse and walked out of the room.

"Good morning miss" the girl behind the counter said
"Good morning, can I get melatonin" I said.
She hesitated, staring at me with so much questions. I quickly sensed it and I knew how to savage the situation.
"Sure" came the reply after giving her a huge tip

I reached the hostel and took the pills, almost immediately, I felt the blackness come over me like a blanket. My eyes getting heavier and heavier then they shut close. Back to popping pills huh? I could hear Amelia's voice in my head as my consciousness ebbed.

I could get a familiar fragrance as my eyes fluttered open. Weakness stole my body, I could hear my head say, I told you so.

"Why do you always try so hard to kill yourself?" I didn't need to turn to know who was in my room
"How did you get in here?" I asked still not making eye contact
"Not important" he said
"I choose what is important to me" I replied bluntly
"I can see life isn't one of them" John snapped
"Can you let me be? as in I want you out of my room." I yelled at him
"Not until we have a decent conversation" he said calmly
"I heard everything already" I snapped
"You heard everything but, you understood nothing" he defended
"Are you trying to convince or confuse me?" I asked
"I didn't mean what you heard" his voice was full of sincerity which, I ignored.
"Neither did I mean to hear what you didn't mean" I said bluntly
"Lisa please just listen to me" he pleaded
"Feed me with the lies. You spoke with Amelia about me like, is that even professional? You just made fun of me with my therapist. How does that sound to you?"
"You got it all twisted Lisa"
"Could you straighten it for me and make it look less twisted?"
"Amelia and I, have been friends for a long time now. She told me nothing about the rape believe me, I...I...I" he stammered
"Then who did?" I asked, not wanting to believe who I had in mind.
His eyelids dropped down it was then I knew what was up.
"Jack" The name left my lips as my eyes began to water
"I'm sorry" He struggled with the words.
I laid frozen on the worryingly thin mattress trying to processing everything.

"You know everything already right? I guess he told you everything. Am I correct Doctor John? Sure he gave you my address too. The night we spoke at the hospital, i'm sure you knew everything about me already, everything about my past too then, you decided to hook me up with the psychiatrist. I thought Amelia..." I stopped talking as I tried preventing tears from flowing. I ran my fingers through my hair then, covered my face with my palms.
"Don't blame Amelia, I brought her into this mess, please. You overheard her telling me to fix the mess, she told me to tell you the truth about the bruises honestly, believe me"
"Brui..ses" I half stammered
"Yes" he said
"You told me... " I stopped talking. It's okay Calm down Lisa, I told myself in my thoughts
"I planned everything except...except falling for you"
"Don't give me that line, are you at the climax of your plan or what?". I snapped

Like long slow waves on a shallow beach, regrets watched over me. Each wave was icy and cold sending waves of pain down my spine.
"I want to be alone" I said as calm as possible
"I really Like you Lisa" he said
"I like you too but I'm in love with inner peace which you can't offer" I said sharply then, shut the door. I leaned on the wall for balance as dizziness stole my body.