Right? --A Fourtris/Tris Pedrad Story

Chapter 52

Today is the day I see her for the last time. The day I see then lower her into the ground. Usually dauntless just get cremated, but Hana wanted her to be buried next to their father. I agree.

I take her necklace and place it around my neck, tucking the charm between my skin and shirt. The knife gets hooked to the waistband of my sweatpants. The mirror shows a reflection of someone who isn't me. I don't do this. I didn't when mom died.

I look broken. I don't look the same. I feel like I used to be in abnegation, weak, helpless. Like the shell of a person.

I walk towards the cemetery above the compound, hands in my pockets and eyed plastered on the ground. Calm down, Tobias. I can't. She calms me down. She's gone.

By the time I get there, Zeke, Shauna, Liam, Noah, Hana, Tori, Lynn, and Matthew are there. Where's Uriah? I close my eyes and purse my lips before even reaching the small crowds. I don't want to cry, but I do. I can't help it.

Usually, it takes time for it to truly set in, the fact that she isn't coming back. I wish. She was with me all the time, so it was easy to see that she was gone. It's set in. She is never coming home.

There are a few chairs set up and Hana sits in one next to her husband's grave, a hand on it. The coffin is at the front, lid open. None of us have the courage to walk up there. The grass is all too green. The sun shines too bright for such a day. I guess a flame that bright wasn't meant to last.

I shakily walk to the sobbing Hana and place a shaking hand on her shoulder. She jumps up and turns to me before hugging me tightly. "Thank you, " she whispers. What is she thanking me for?

I look behind her and a name catches my eye. Evelyn Eaton. I break from the hug and walk over. I can feel them looking at me. I sit down next to it and lean against the side, my hands fisting the I untrimmed grass

I rest my head on the arch and let a tear slip down my cheek. I loudly gulp before standing and walking back to everyone else. They don't ask questions, just look the other way as if they didn't just watch me mourn the loss of my mother.

They all wear pajamas, as told, and a platter of cake sits next to the coffin. I still can't believe she wrote that. I feel like I'm gonna vomit.

Uriah walks over with a pale face and sits next to Marlene. She puts her hand over his on his knee.

We all just sit there, still, nobody wants to see her body. Why isn't Lynn's boyfriend here? What was his name?

I finally get the courage to stand. I have to do it for Tris. She would do it if that was me. My shaky legs walk me past everyone else who looks up at me. I close my eyes as I approach the wooden box where the love of my life lies.

My hands rest on the edge as I take in a shaky breath. "I love you, " I whisper. One. Two. Three. I open my eyes and look down at her. She's in a black dress with sleeves to her elbows. It goes down to her knees and has a little bit of detailed lace.

Her hair is like a golden halo around her head. She is wearing a little bit of makeup and her hands are folded on her stomach, holding a red rose.

I'm never going to see those perfect gray-blue eyes again. Ever. My face distorts in pain. I take in a shaky breath. My body behind to tremble as I lift a hand to my mouth. It's terrifying to see her here.

Her entire body is limp, lifeless. Her chest doesn't rise, nor does it fall. It's still. She is still. Tears stream down my face and one lands on the dark wooden coffin. I wipe it away quickly.

Soon I feel the presence of everyone around me. Hands rest on my shoulder as we all surround her. My legs feel like they're about to buckle and drop me to the warm grass. But they don't.

We all sit back down again in silence. Liam, Noah, and Matthew jumping around. They really don't understand. They probably won't until they realize that they haven't seen her in a long time. I wish I didn't understand. I would do anything to be an innocent child again.
Tris
I feel so gross. I feel like I cheated on Tobias. My clothes are thrown to the corner of the basement and tears soak my face. He raped me.

Tears stream down my face. When I screamed he held a knife to my neck and threatened to kill Tobias. I feel like I'm about to vomit. I feel disgusting. I betrayed Tobias. I let him do it. No, I didn't. I tried, but Tobias means more to me than anything.

"Now you're mine, " he spits and pins me to the ground. Now i'm only chained where I'm laying on my back with my hands chained to the pole above my head. Marcus brings the cold blade of a knife to my collarbone, near the raven tattoos.

He makes a long cut. I squirm and try to pull myself away. Blood trickles down my collarbone. Another. Another. Another. I just one there, letting my blood drop to the floor. I'm gonna do what I have to do in order to survive. I have to get home. No matter what.
Tobias
The song "If I Die Young" plays as she is lowered into the hole in the ground. Zeke holds both his children's hands and looks down, keeping his eyes closed. Shauna holds Noah and Lynn's hands. Lynn holds Marlene's hand and she holds Matthew's. Matthew holds Uriah's too. He holds Hana's hand and she holds mine. My other holds Liam's.

The only hand I want to hold is Tris'. But she is being lowered six feet under and only a few feet from her father. And way too far from me. She should be next to me, holding my hand.

Hana gives everyone cake and we sit down on the grass. I just spread it around my plate, not wanting to eat. Almost everyone else does the same. All of a sudden, Hana breaks into hysterical sobs.

She falls under knees on the grass and clutches her head. She lost so much. She lost her husband and her youngest child and only daughter. Zeke and Uriah come to her side and do the same.

All of this is my fault. They all lost someone and I was supposed to protect her. I was supposed to. I couldn't. I'm weak and pathetic.

I don't even bother to try and hide my tears. It's impossible. I lost the person who means more than everything to me. Everything.

I need her like I need air to breathe. I was supposed to ask her the question, but I couldn't. I was supposed to kiss her again. Supposed to hold her again. I was supposed to tell her I loved her.

I don't care if I never see her again, but she shouldn't be dead. As much as the chasm seems appealing, I cant. She died for me and I'm not gonna die because I couldn't handle it.

It feels like someone is slashing a machete through my chest. My lungs feel as if someone is gripping them tightly, limiting my breaths. It's like someone is tying my stomach into knots, making me want to puke.

I still sit there as almost everyone leaves. "I'm so sorry, Tris, " I cry, my face millimeters from the grass. "She really loves you, " Hana says from next to me. "Not anymore. I don't deserve her anyway." She weakly laughs. "You two were perfect, " she replies. Shes just trying to make me feel better.

"She's perfect. She sacrificed herself for me and I'm never gonna be able to repay the favor." I shake my head. I suck. "She loved you more than anyone. I could see it in the way she looked at you." I hate the way she uses the past tense. We were perfect. That's a lie, to begin with, but that doesn't matter.

"All do is hurt the people I love. I love her and she's dead. I loved my mom and she's dead. I love your whole family and I hurt them all. Now all of you have to live without her, " I say, my voice cracking. "She's with her dad. She was his unspoken favorite." I know she's smiling a little, even though I can't see it.

"Why don't you hate me?" I ask bluntly. "You're family and have been since your initiation. I know she did it because she wanted to and because she loves you. All of us care about you." She has been more of a mom to me than my own mom.

Hana leaves because she has to work at the fence tomorrow, leaving me here, alone. I wish Tris could just be next to me, hugging me. But she's gone.

I close my eyes in the hope of freedom in my dream. In hopes to dream something happy. Not likely, but possible. Everything drifts off into the darkness. Well, everything except the pain.

AN: Sorry for the short chapters. It's hard for me to write him to be so sad.