Hello Stranger- I'm a Disaster (Freddie Mercury love story)

42.) I Gave You Ride Or Die, You Gave Me Sh**

I know everything Paul had ever said or done to me was a lie. But had I ever received a clear or should I say truthful, explanation about that groupie at the first Queen show I went to, back in California?

That's the only thought that keeps running through my head. I had only forgiven Freddie, because I thought it was going to be the last night I'd see him. Honestly, at that point, I just wanted the lay. Why lie?

Maybe the emotional wreckage we've been living in finally took its toll on him. Maybe I should've blown him more often. Who knows. Is any of this a real excuse for cheating? I guess not, but it's just all I can think. I'm the reason. I'm not good enough. Maybe Jimmy was right about me. I'm Not enough for his satisfaction.

I'm back in the guest room alone, Incase Freddie decides to come home after all. It's already 3AM with no sign of him. Maybe he really is fed up and he took some groupie's offer back at Rogers house.

There's no use in trying to sleep. I'm way too worried about this whole mess. How the hell did I end up here?! Everything has moved so fast, I haven't had time to even think it weird. Mostly, it's felt like everything just fit. Freddie is the perfect gentleman, at least to my face. Maybe he's been seeing other people while I was stuck at home on bedrest, too.

I reach over to the bedside drawer, where I left my notebook. Might as well keep this up to get my feelings out. I'm kind of stressing out about stressing out! I don't want my babies to feel any type of sadness that I'm holding in. It can't be good for them.

I remember my own mother telling me that a sad parent cannot properly raise a child. At least, not a happy, content child. Before I can go down that hole, I flip the book open and skim through all the lyrics and poems inside. I stop when I get to the 5th page. Wow. Crazy how feelings come around again like they are predicted by past heartache. I wrote this song the night I left Vegas from Freddie's birthday party. I recall how heartbroken I was and I can definitely say it feels much worse this time around. Me and Freddie have been through so much more together and were engaged to be married!

I fiddle with the ring on my finger. Staring at it, it's so beautiful, but I would have been satisfied if Freddie just tied a piece of string around my finger. Material things are not what's important to me. It's the thought. The loving gesture of it all. In this moment I'm not sure if I should take it off...but I can't bring myself to do that. Not now. I have time to decide it. I mean, where the hell IS Freddie anyway? His flight leaves in a few hours...maybe I won't see him today after all.

I go into the piano room- the room that holds the waves of emotional turmoil in the Mercury household. Propping up my notebook on the ledge of the piano, I play the song from Vegas. Only once or twice and then, I'm sick of it. I can't be feeling down on myself. I rip the lyrics from the notebook and close the book.

It's 4:30AM now. Freddie's still not home. I figure he has to come for his luggage some time soon. I'm still not tired enough to sleep and I haven't talked to Rose, yet. I'm such a horrible friend. She doesn't even know about my whole fiasco from last night, but I know about her and Roger. I still haven't checked up on her. She could be in a worse state than I am.

Turning on my phone, I click on my recent contacts and dial her number. It rings more than a few times and I think it's just going to go to voicemail.

"Hello..," a groggy voice answers.

"Rose? Is that you? Where are you??" Her voice sounds funny, but I can tell it's her on the other end. I hope she's not passed out somewhere. She was really drunk last night.

"Cherie..it's practically 5 in the morning. What are you doing up??" I briefly forgot that she doesn't know about last night. The sun is starting to come up and I need to get lost for a few hours.