Loving the Ruthless Wave

Kabanata 14

Kabanata 14

Rejection

Life is not getting any easier for me. Each day.. it is getting harder, and harder, and harder. I don't even know anymore if being numb because of the pain is worst. Or it is even more better than feeling helpless and rejected. Better than having a fucked up life. Better than crying until you have no more tears left to cry. Or better than feeling weak and worthless.

I want to feel nothing. To be nothing..

I am so tired of trying only to end up failing. I am so tired of being pushed on the edge like I was just nothing. I am so tired of crying. I am so tired of fighting for the things I don't even know if I can have. I am so tired to fight the battles I know I will never win.

I am so tired of everything.

It is so draining.

I am always losing the person who isn't even mine. How fucked up is that isn't it?

I thought I am used to the pain. I thought I am used to feeling this way. I thought it was okay because I am used to it. But I realized it was not.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras o gaano ako katagal na umiyak. Nakaupo ako sa buhangin sa silong ng puno ng niyog at nakatanaw pa rin sa malawak na dagat. The sun is up and I don't even mind if it will burn my skin. I just wanted to stay here. I feel so tired. I want everything to end today. I must end it all.

Nilingon ko si Rico na nakaupo sa aking tabi at tahimik na nagmamasid sa akin. I know I am hurting him again. I am hurt and so he is.

"Rico.. thankyou for everything. Thankyou for saving me again earlier."

Malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin. Kitang kita ko ang sakit na lumatay sa kanyang mga mata. Hindi ko alam pero naiiyak nanaman ako.

"Just use me. Use me until you can't feel any pain anymore. Use me."

Marahan ko siyang inilingan. "I don't think the pain will ever stop. So until when? Until when will I use you? Until when will I let you suffer?"

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita.

"If you still doesn't know how grateful I am to you. I will tell you everything now Rico. Thankyou for always being there when I needed someone to be with me. Thankyou for making me forget the pain even just for a short period of time. Thankyou for all the efforts just to make me happy."

"I am happy when you are happy Mavis. You don't have to thank me for the things I voluntary did. I am willing to do everything for you."

Ibinaling ko nalang ang aking paningin sa aking mga paa dahil hindi ko na siya kayang lingunin pa. His words are like blades. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang pinakamasamang tao sa mundo dahil sinasaktan ko ang isang katulad niya. Unti unti nanamang pumatak ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. I am so guilty. He doesn't deserve this.

"Thankyou Rico for always protecting me. Thankyou for always guarding and saving me. I am really grateful. God knows how much I am thankful. Thankyou for everything Rico but I wish to put an end to your agony. Nasasaktan lang kita. You don't deserve this.."

"Kaya ko pa Mavis. Kaya ko pang tiisin ang lahat. Kaya ko pang lumaban sa ngalang akin ka. Kaya ko pa Mavis. Kaya ko..."

I heard how desperate his voice is. Ito nanaman kami. It's really torture hearing and seeing him like this. I shook my head desperately.

"Let's stop now Rico. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can give you the love you deserve. Someone who can equal the love you give. But that's not me Rico. I gave you the chance. I also gave myself the chance to love you. I gave it a try. I tried so hard to love you but until now.. iba pa rin. Siya pa rin talaga."