Loving the Ruthless Wave

Kabanata 35

Kabanata 35

Kai

The next day felt dull. It was very indifferent and I felt like doing nothing. I stayed up all night that is why I woke up very late. It was two in the afternoon when I woke up. I sat on the couch and sipped on my coffee that I ordered. I tried watching tv but I can't process anything from there that is why I just sat there silently while counting the time that pass.

I put my phone on my lap and scanned the pictures that Apollo and I have together in Siargao. I've been staring at it quite a while now. We look so happy and stressfree. We look so beautiful to look at. And then I realized, not everything is supposed to become something mind blowing or beautiful. Not everything is supposed to become long lasting. Just like how everything is now turning up to, happiness, sadness, pain, grief, or even joy is short lived. There will always be a sense of an ending. Something might be beautiful today but it won't be tomorrow. There will always be an end to everything. Might it be good things or bad.

I feel so dull, yet so full of emotions.

I get up from the couch and checked my phone's inbox. I recieved twenty text messages and twenty seven missed calls. Almost all of it came from Apollo. I opened the first message.

Wife where are you?

And then I wondered how's he doing. If he ate his meals yesterday of if he get enough sleep last night. I opened more messages from him and felt guilty.

I'm dead worried. Please answer my calls!

Where are you? Are you okay?

Hindi ko na binasa pa ang ibang mensaheng gaking sakaniya. I can't face him right now. I would only feel guilty. Hindi ko kayang humarap sakaniya at umuwi sa aming bahay. He's probably worried but I just can't see him yet.

"Raniarry, can I stay at your place later at night?"

I have my food delivered again. I am asking Arry a favor because if I stay here longer, Apollo might be able to find me soon. Isa pa, ang mga damit na pinabili ko kay Penny ay pang dalawang araw lamang. I need to change my location and I need to find decent clothes.

"Of course! Do you want me to fetch you up?"

Kahit hindi niya naman ako nakikita ay umiling pa rin ako.

"Hindi na. I'll just go there by myself. I don't want to cause you any trouble."

"Alright. Take care Mavis. But keep in mind that you're not a bother. I would always love to accompany you everytime. See you later."

"Thankyou so much Arry! See you."

Pagkayari kong kumain ay dumiretso ako kaagad sa banyo para maligo. Niyari ko ang lahat ng mga paper works at isinend kaagad sa email ni Penny. I made sure to finish everything up. I'll stay with Arry tonight but I will also leave after three days or two. I am planning to leave Manila. I'll go out of town. Magpapakalayo layo muna ako para makapag isip. Maybe I'll go to Siargao. Good thing, Rico will also go there tomorrow for a business trip. I'll just call him to meet me up later.

That is the first step I will take today.

I think I lost myself and my mind somewhere and I needed to find it. I lost my peace here that is why I needed to distance myself for now for everything that is hurting me. Sabihin ng duwag dahil hindi ko pa naaayos ang aking mga problema pero di bali na, mas mahalaga ang katinuan ko bilang tao dahil baka masiraan na ako ng bait dito.

I shouldn't be sorry for choosing myself right now. This is the very first time that I chose myself. Sabihin ng makasarili ulit pero wala na akong paki alam. I am so fucking hurt and I need to guard my heart. I can't let anyone hurt me anymore. I can't let them break me anymore. But I am guilty. I am guilty and that makes it harder for me to choose myself because I don't know if I am still on the right path or not.