Loving the Ruthless Wave

Kabanata 29

Kabanata 29

Bitter

In the middle of the night inside our room, with only the moon outside as our light, I find no comfort. My heart is in chaos. My mind is in chaos. I can't help but keep on overthinking things that might happen in the next few days or after we came back to Manila.

I smiled bitterly.

I slowly caressed Apollo's hair as he lay beside me. He's long asleep because of tiredness from our day. It's almost midnight but I can't get myself to sleep. I've been thinking about what I saw earlier. What if that girl is really Nichole? I wonder what will happen to me if they saw each other.

Will he leave me?

Will he leave me for her?

Maybe I need to prepare myself for that. Hindi malabo na mangyari iyon kaya kailangan ko ng ihanda ang sarili ko para maibsan ang sakit. I will be in pain. I will mourn for my heart but I will heal eventually right? I can love again. Find someone and start again. I can do that right? I can let him go. Though it would hurt like hell at first, eventually I can accept it and move on.

That thought brought a sudden severe pain in my heart. Just the thought of if makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I stared at Apollo's face. I traced every single part of his face, trying to remember it all, afraid that he will be taken away from me any moment by now. Maamo ang muka niya kapag tulog. Animo isang anghel na bumaba mula sa langit. I never thought that looking at him would brought too much pain to me right now. My heart aches so bad that I can't take it.

"H-Hindi ko kaya..." I said silently, almost running out of breathe.

What's worse than feeling insecure and doubting all you got within yourself?

Nothing.

Wala ng mas hihigit pa sa sakit na maidudulot ng pag iisip na maaari kang iwan ng mga taong mahal mo sa buhay dahil hindi ka sasapat. Na ikaw mismo ay alam mo na maaring hindi ka sapat para panatilihin sila sa tabi mo. Apollo gave me a lot of assurance, but what if he will still leave me?

The side of my eyes heated and my tears fall in my cheeks like a fast thunder. It flows like a river and it can't stop. I can't stop. My insecurities and doubt are eating me up. I don't want to lose Apollo. That's one of my greatest fear but it is not the greatest. What I am much more afraid to happen is that I may be losing myself in this battle.

I am very afraid to lose myself again in the process of making everyone stay. In the process of making everyone choose me. To stay with me like I am the first choice and not only an option when they have nothing else to pick.

"Hindi ko kakayanin." I said and stared at Apollo again as I tried my best to fall into a deep sleep.

The next day went fast. I was welcomed by the ray of the sun hitting my face directly. Mahapdi ang aking mata ng gumising dala na rin ng puyat at sobrang pag iyak kagabi.

A sudden peck on my cheek was given by Apollo. I looked at him and saw him smiling brightly at me.

"Goodmorning baby! Breakfast?"

Unti unti akong bumangon at umupo sa kama.

"Goodmorning, umm magluluto muna ako. Sorry if I woke up late. Makapaghihintay ka naman siguro ng ilang minuto?" I said and stand up.

His hand held the small of my back. He kissed my forehead this time. Hinila niya ako palapit sa kaniya at tumama ako sa kaniyang dibdib.

He smiled once again.