Loving the Ruthless Wave

Kabanata 16

Kabanata 16

Lost

"Baby please kumain ka naman."

Ramdam ko ang paghawak ni Mommy sa akin pero hindi ko siya nilingon. I keep my eyes focused outside the window. The sunlight is burning my skin but I didn't even bother to move an inch.

I can't feel any hunger or thirst. All I can feel is tiredness and pain. Kahit ata matulog lang ako maghapon ay pagod pa rin ang aking pakiramdam.

Not so long ago, I always pretend and act that everything is fine. I will smile. I will love. I will do normal things to make everything seems so fine. Then suddenly here I am, I broke down. I feel so empty, alone and tired. I feel like I carry all the burdens of the world. I lost my hope. I lost my courage. I lost my fighting spirit..

I lost myself.

Haven't I fought enough? Are my bests not enough? Haven't I tried so hard?

If yes, then why?

Why can't things fall down just like how I wish it to be. I have waited.. for years. For so many years. I have waited so long. So why?

"Please anak, kahit konti lang, kumain ka."

They say, when someone or something is being tied up, they are currently busy and are being used, with the result that they are not available for something else.

I am tied up to Apollo. I am busy adoring and loving him. I am always busy sticking my nose on his business. I am busy waiting for him that I can't get myself to love another anymore. I am not available for someone else because..

I am tied up in love.

I am tied to Apollo. I will always be tied up to him.. forever.

Ilang araw na akong hindi lumalabas ng kwarto magmula ng malaman ko ang balita mula kay Arry. Nawalan ako ng gana para sa lahat ng bahay. Nawalan ako ng lakas para magpatuloy kasi hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I focused myself, my eyes, my heart, only to him. I dreamed about him for so long. And now that he is gone on my way, I feel like I lost my path. I don't know where to go. Or where to start again.

Hindi ako kumakain. Lahat ng pagkain na dinadala sa kwarto ko ay hindi ko ginagalaw. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat. I feel like this is my end. I'll just wait to fall asleep and never wake up again.

How I wish it was just a dream. I wish I will wake up in the morning and you are by my side. Napaka unfair. Hindi pa ako nabibigyan ng pagkakataon. Hindi pa siya nagiging sakin. Hindi pa niya ako nakukuhang mahalin pero kinuha na siya agad sa akin.

It is more painful to think because I lost someone who isn't even mine. I was not given a chance to prove my love and to show it.

He was never mine. But losing him break my heart. Losing him also means losing myself.

"Nag aalala na kami ng Daddy mo anak. Please wag mo namang pabayaan ang sarili mo. I know you are hurt. But please don't lose yourself."

Hindi pa ba huli? Kasi pakiramdam ko ay naiwala ko na ang sarili ko. She was long gone.

I cried. I cried so hard until the pain was gone. Sawang sawa na akong umiyak pero ayoko ng makaramdam ng sakit. Pero kahit ano atang hilingin ko ay hindi natutupad. I want the pain gone but it remains. Kumapit na ata sa buto ko.

I felt my Mom pulling me into a tight hug. I didn't move. I only cried in her arms. I cried 'til my heart bleeds.

"Hush baby. Everything will be okay."

Pilit niya akong tinatahan at pinapakalma. Sana nga maging maayos ang lahat. But it will never be okay. If I can't have him, I know I will never be okay.