Lorraine (Sequel To Wild Child)

It's Not Over Till It's Over

Song for this chapter "When The Party's Over" Billie Eilish

As Lorraine

I know the minute I set foot inside Roland's place, I am going to be in trouble. The first thing he did was open up a bottle of my favorite white wine. He pours us a full glass and raises his glass "Congratulations on being the new face of Visage." I raise my glass "Thank you." He takes my hand in his "I missed you love." I tell him I missed him too and it's the truth I have missed him. I want to say to him that I am hurting so much inside but he will just tell me I am being silly. I try to change the topic of conversation "So are you cooking me something special tonight Chef Roland?" He grins "Of course always something special just for you." He gives me a kiss on my lips. I back away slowly before the kiss deepens "I am going to use the bathroom." I have my phone in my hand as I go into the bathroom. I texted Chelsea once I was inside "I am at Roland's but can you call me later. Like around 10 PM and you don't have to say anything I will do all the talking." She texts back "Sure. Is everything okay." I replied "I will tell you later." Chelsea will be my backup plan just in case.

I know I have to act like everything is normal. I turn on some music as Roland and I keep drinking. I told him about how Damien came up to me that day and everything that happened from there. Roland said if he knew I wanted to try modeling, he could have helped me. Although he still says he doesn't want me to think of this as a career path. He reminds me this is just for the first experience and fun. I assure him I know it is not going to be my true calling. He looks relieved once he hears me say that. He goes on and tells me he is leaving soon for a business trip to Paris. I ask him if there is a lucky woman that's going to accompany him on this trip. He has a surprised look on his face "No I don't bring anyone with me on business trips." I smile " Oh right what's the point to bring one when you can easily hook up with one in a foreign country." He raises his brow "Do I detect a hint of jealousy in you?" I pat him on the back of his hand "Of course not Roland. Why should I be jealous.".

We started eating around 7 PM. Roland is really a good cook if nothing else. He should be a chef "Thanks for making dinner tonight. I almost forgot what a great chef you were.". He says it's because we hardly see each other anymore. I think it's a good time to tell him what's on my mind "Roland can we talk?" He gets up and walks over to me "Let's go to the living room."

The music is still playing and we have a new bottle of wine with us. I know because I have alcohol in me and that is why I feel like I can talk to Roland right now. Somehow I think he would understand. I tell him to let me talk first "Roland you know I really wanted to be with you. I wanted to be in a committed relationship with one person and that was you. After you told me you still want to live your life and date different women, I knew it was not going to work between us. I am not looking for an open relationship with you because I just want to be with you and only you. Since it is not going to happen right now, we should go our separate ways. I am starting a new chapter in my life and I want to start clean. I'm not going to let yesterday take up too much of today. Nobody can predict the future and there is always a chance that we might end up together one day. It's just that for now we should let each other go." I look at him after I am done, I hope he heard every word I said. I can see he's thinking as he starts rubbing the light stubble on his chin "Thanks for telling me how you really feel love. I really appreciate it. I will let you go for now. But you know the best way to predict the future is to invent it." Am I hearing him right, he will let me go. I am happy and sad at the same time. He got off the couch and opens his arms "Come here love..." I got up and walked into his arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around me for the longest time and said "It's just goodbye for now Lorraine. It's never a final goodbye." That was what I have said to Shane too once upon a time. I held back my tears "Thank you Roland for understanding." I pull away from him because I want to take a good long look at his face.