We Met On The Train

36.

Faith Elizabeth
I had been on tour with a Shawn for a week before I came back home again.
I felt it was best to give him some time to just focus on some new music and his shows instead of having to worry about me.
Besides it wasn't exactly comfy having two people sleeping in a single bed.
He amazed me every time he sang. I was just blown away by his talent.
We had been public ever since prom and it was so nice. I got bad comments and good comments. I was glad knowing that the good comments outweighed the bad.
Being at home wasn't bad. Everyone had gone on holiday, leaving me to my own devices in the house.
I hadn't spoken to Shawn for a few days but I just guessed that he was busy. I had no idea what was really going on.

It started with the odd few comments on my Twitter. And then I was getting more, and more until people started to message me directly.
"Hello?"
"Have you seen it?" Ryan said quickly and my heart started to race immediately.
"Seen what?" I asked, tension rising in my chest.
"The video"
"Oh those videos are always fake" I sighed calming slightly.
"No no, his new music video" Ryan said and my brow furrowed.
"He hasn't got a new music video" I whispered.
"He has. It's everywhere. Haven't you been on your Instagram?" He asked, his voice slowing down.
"N-no I deleted the app while I was on tour with Shawn" I said.
"Re download it" he said bluntly, "ring me back if you need me" he sighed before I hung up.

I checked the clock, seeing it was ten at night. I tried to keep my breathing slow and calm as I re downloaded Instagram. 
As soon as I logged back in about a thousand direct messages popped up.
I scrolled through without opening any and all I kept seeing was the word 'video', or 'how do you feel about this?' 
My mind was so full of confusion, but I was scared to open it.
By the sounds of it, I wouldn't want to see what they were going on about, and I was already annoyed that Shawn didn't tell me about this new project.

With shaking fingers I found my way to Shawn's Instagram and saw the cover photo. My hand covered my mouth and I didn't want to click on it. And as I did I wish I hadn't.
I watched the whole twenty or thirty seconds and slowly put my phone down.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know what to think.
He was an inch away from kissing someone else.
And he didn't tell me.
Not a word.
Music video or not. That's something you tell your girlfriend about.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and let the slow tears fall.

'Ringtone'
Ignore.
'Message Received'
Ignore.
'Voicemail Received'
Ignore.

I didn't sleep.
I couldn't.
All that ran through my mind was not only that cover image on the video, or the video itself but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I was going to tell him I love him. I had planned it. The next time he came to London or the U.K. I was going to tell him. And now this has happened.
My mind was all over the place. I loved that man with all my heart. And now I was doubting not only myself, but I was doubting whether he loved me or felt as strongly for me as I did for him.
I couldn't bring myself to call Shawn and talk to him.
I knew that just on hearing his voice I would break down, and say things I didn't mean.

I was still in bed at midday. I dragged myself out of bed, dressed in leggings and a baggy jumper, threw my hair up in a bun and stuck sunglasses on.
I went and put a collar and lead on Dolly, slipped some shoes on, wiped away stray tears and took a deep breath before walking out of the door.
Tears kept falling as I walked around aimlessly. I could see a few people taking photos and taking videos but I just couldn't focus on it.
"Excuse me?" I heard a familiar voice from beside me. "Are you ok?"
I turned and saw Ryan.
I couldn't hold the tears in and just cried into his chest.
"Come on. Let's go home" he said putting his arm around my shoulders.
I couldn't hold in the few sobs that came out of my mouth.
"Shh it's ok"
"He didn't tell me Ryan" I sobbed as we walked and I heard a gasp come from a group of girls who were behind us.

We walked quickly and I couldn't stop crying as we stepped over into the threshold of my house. I took of the dogs collar and lead and me and Ryan sat on the sofa.
"I'm here" Ryan said holding me tight.
I held his T-shirt tight in my fists.
"Oh god" he said scrolling through his phone. "People have been posting photos of you from the walk. Like you're everywhere. And it's come out that he didn't tell you. People are going crazy about it"
"I didn't want this" I cried.
"I know" he said brushing my shoulders.
The sound of my phone ringing made me jump and Ryan picked it up for me.
"It's Shawn"
"I don't want to talk to him" I sighed.
"Oh wait no someone called Andrew is ringing you now" he said and I sniffed before taking the phone out of his hands.
"What do you want?" I sniffed down the phone.
I heard him sigh.
"Faith. We're coming to you to sort this out. Can you meet us in London at the address I give you?"
"When?" I sighed.
"Two days before the interview I've scheduled" he said and I groaned.
"No Andrew I don't want to"
"You can't just expect this to be brushed under the carpet. People are expecting a statement from both of you. An interview is the best way to do it. It's not in front of an audience and it's not a huge one but you both need to do this" he explained and tears freely fell from my eyes.
"Andrew please. I can't"
"It's a music video. What's so wrong?"
"What's fucking wrong is that he's my boyfriend Andrew, I was never told about the video. Not once. No one thought to tell me. No. You're all just concerned about making your money" I cried before hanging up the phone.
"Tell them" Ryan smiled and I laughed through the tears. "But just think. This could be good. You can tell your side"

I thought about it and Ryan was right. I could tell them what I think in person.
I nodded and wiped away my tears.
"You're right" I said just as my phone sounded indicating that I had a message.
I glanced down and saw that Andrew had sent me an address.
I took a deep breath and nodded.
I had to do this.