We Met On The Train

40.

*Im going to put the warning on this chapter but it covers this chapter and potentially a few others.
In the next few chapters there will be references to drugs and overdosing and depression.
With all my heart and being, I ask you not to read this part of the book if this will act as a personal trigger for you.*

Shawn Mendes
Being away on tour was the best possible feeling there was.
Hearing the crowds every night.
The parties.
It was all of what I loved.
The new music had gone down extremely well and that's all I could have hoped for.
I loved being away like this.
Nothing could top the feeling I had every night on stage. It was a high, a drug I couldn't live without.
Nothing else went through my mind than the music, the good feeling, my family or the people around me on tour.
That's all I needed.

When the week came that I knew I would be going home for a break was always nice.
It's nice to just calm down and think straight for a few days.
By the time I got home all I wanted to do was sleep, and gather my thoughts on my own.

Faith Elizabeth
Shawn went away on tour again.
I was staying with his parents until I had worked up enough money to pay for my own flight home.
He'd been away for days, then weeks, then a month.
I didn't do anything anymore.
He never spoke to me, and I never spoke to him.
He would call his parents sometimes but never me.
I would stay in bed, or in my room most days, and could go without talking to anyone. I had been a few days without eating, before Karen practically sat with me until I ate.
She knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk to her.

The constant comments and posts on social media and directly to myself had caused me to spiral out of control.
Comments about his new music were overwhelming positive towards them. Not me.
I got countless messages saying I was nothing compared to her, I saw the posts of them together, doing everything we should be doing, I saw everything. And it was getting too much to handle.
I knew I was depressed, I didn't need anyone to tell me. Which is why I tried to avoid speaking to Shawn's parents. They wouldn't understand. They didn't see it like I did.
It was getting more and more awkward to be in their house, since me and Shawn might as well not be together anymore.
There was no message from Shawn to say that he didn't want to be with me. But there was no reassurance to say that he did.

The day that he came home was probably one of the worst days I would ever experience.

"You know he's coming home in a minute" Karen said and I nodded, curling into my hoodie. "Have you two actually spoken yet?"
"No. Not at all." I whispered, I couldn't cry. I had run out of tears.
"Then this is your time to just sit down and talk. If you don't then this will ruin you. And I can't bare to see that"
"I can't help it"
"Yes you can. You're the only one that can get you out of this" she said stroking my hair.
"I want to go home" I said and she nodded.
"I don't understand why you didn't just let us pay for your flight."
"Because then I'd owe you money, or my mum money and I don't want that" I sighed.

The doorbell ringing interrupted our conversation.
"Are you going to come down?" She asked and I nodded.
"You go. I'll come in a minute" I whispered and she nodded.
Once she had left the room, I slowly dragged myself out of bed.
I stared at myself in the mirror, a new form of sadness washing over me.
I didn't recognise myself anymore. I was close to being half the weight I was when I met Shawn.
My clothes hung loosely off my body, and my eyes had unattractive purple rings around them.

I pulled my hoodie closer to my body and opened the door.
"How have you all been?" I heard Shawn say and my heart desperately wanted to flutter and race.
"We three are fine" Karen said, a long sigh coming at the end of her words.
"It doesn't seem like everything's fine" he replied.
"She's not ok Shawn, not in anyway" Manny said and I couldn't care less that they were talking about me.
"Who isn't?" He said and that was the first shatter to my heart.
"Your girlfriend? Faith?" I heard Karen say,
"Oh fuck yeah" he said.
Second shatter.
"Don't you tell me Shawn Mendes that you forgot about that poor girl upstairs" Karen said, her voice raising slightly.
Shawn didn't respond immediately.
Shatter.
"I just got caught up in everything! I didn't mean to!" Shawn said.
Shatter, shatter, broken.
The few tears I had left managed to fall from my tired heavy eyes.
It had all become too much.

I didn't want to listen to him talking about why or how he had forgotten about me, about how good his tour was, how good fans responses had been.
I stumbled away back to my room and locked the door.
I sat at the bottom of my bed, looking at myself in the little mirror.
I watched the tears fall from my eyes and knew that nothing my heart, or anyone else said would ever fix what I was feeling now.
In the mirror, my eye caught a glimpse of orange.
I looked away from the bottle and back to the mirror.
I wasn't thinking straight.
But at the point in time I didn't care.

I picked up the little orange bottle and opened the lid.
I didn't know how many it would take to do it.
I put two in my mouth with shaking hands, and then took a sip of water.
I repeated the process six times until no more pills were in the bottle.
I stared at myself again, thinking about everything that had happened that led to this moment.
The arguments, the leaving, the comments, the photos, the self hatred, the loss of love from all those around me, the isolation.
All of it.
Led to this.

It didn't take long for me to feel the chemicals in my system.
As eyes started to droop and my heart rate began to slow, I heard knocking on my door.
First it was gentle knocking, then it was loud banging, then came the screams.
I didn't fight against the chemicals.
I let them win.
I let the hatred and depression win.