We Met On The Train

22.

Faith Elizabeth
I should have told him the truth.
I didn't regret what we did but I regret lying to him like that.
"You're really quiet. Somethings not right"
"I'm fine" I said barely above a whisper.
"Look if something happened between you and Shawn we can talk about it. Or if you need to see a doctor I'm not going to judge you"
"Mum! I'm fine. Nothing happened we just talked. I don't need a doctor I don't need to talk about anything. It's just six in the morning and I'm so tired" I said on the verge of tears.
"I'm booking an appointment. I can read on your face you didn't just talk. Tell me the truth. Did you have sex with Shawn?"
I couldn't talk. I just nodded letting a tear roll down my face.
"Do you regret it?"
"No. No it was nice. I enjoyed it. He was so nice to me"
"Did you use one?"
"I don't really remember"
"I'm booking an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow"
"Why?" I asked.
"Just in case. I don't want any pregnancy and the pill isn't always 100%" mum said putting a hand on my knee
I just turned and stared out of the window.

I didn't want to leave.
I didn't want to stop knowing Shawn and being like we were.
I didn't want to have to go back to school.
Everything about this day and the next month or so was going to be strange.
I had to fight back tears most of the journey. And I wasn't ready to see Shawn.
"Hello?" I groaned down the phone.
"Are you here yet?"
"We're going through security"
"Ok see you in a second"
I hung up the phone on feeling tears spring at my eyes again.
"Are they here to say goodbye?" Mum asked and I nodded.
"They're flying out somewhere as well." I said putting all of my things in a tray.
"Cheer up darling. At least you get to see your family. And Dolly" Mum said rubbing my back, and I smiled at the thought of my two year old dog.
"I'm going to miss it here. And him" I sighed walking through the metal detector.
"I know. But you're going to see him in London so it's not too bad" Mum said.

I chose not to respond as we picked up all our bags and headed through to the main airport.
My phone started to ring and I debated with myself whether to pick it up or not.
I hated goodbyes.
I didn't want to say goodbye to him.
I was thinking of just leaving with no goodbye to avoid seeing him completely. It would save me from the upset.
"Are you going to answer?" Mum asked and I shook my head no.
"I can't. I can't say goodbye to him" I whispered wiping away stray tears. She took me in her arms and she shrugged.
"I don't think you have much of a choice"
"What?" I cried pulling away and I realised she was pointing.
I followed her finger and saw Shawn walking towards where I stood in a state.
"Oh god" I said turning my back and more tears fell. "If I run do you think he'd follow" I said wiping my eyes.
"Yes I would" I heard and turned to see Shawn beside me.
"I'm going to get a coffee. I'll see you in the departure lounge ok? Don't be late" Mum said giving me a small hug and waking off.

"You were really going to leave without saying goodbye?" Shawn said, sounding as if I had just told him the worst news in the world.
"I can't do goodbyes Shawn. I hate them. Goodbye means going away and that means forgetting. And I don't want that" I said feeling tears pool in my eyes.
"Don't cry. Why are you crying?"
"I'm not" I said shaking my head. "Oh god people are looking"
"It's bound to happen. Come on let's go and sit somewhere" he said and held my upper arm as we walked into the nearest cafe.

"Can I be honest with you?" Shawn said placing two coffees on the table.
"Of course"
"I didn't think you'd be upset" he said and I couldn't help but smile.
"Neither did I. When I first met you on that train and that first day of filming I couldn't wait to get rid of you" I laughed and Shawn smiled.
"Understandable. I did think the same about you at some points" he said and I shrugged. "So , what's going on?"

I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him about being a virgin, and having to go to the doctors tomorrow. I wanted to tell him I had come to love him and that I wanted nothing more than to come with him and have him call me his girlfriend.
But I couldn't. I just couldn't. The words couldn't come out.
"I'm ok" I breathed out.
"This isn't goodbye you know" Shawn said and I shrugged. "I'm seeing you in London"
"I know. I'm looking forward to it" I smiled trying to see the positive.
"April 19th" he smiled.
"April 19th"
"I'll try and see you on the 18th if you want?" He asked and I nodded.
"That would be great" I smiled nodding.
"There's something on your mind I can tell" he said squinting his eyes slightly.
"I can't tell you. Not here not now" I sighed holding my head in my hands.
"Then we'll go somewhere more private."
"I want to end on a good note" I said shaking my head.
"Come on" he said and standing and I followed.

We walked quite briskly into a little bookshop.
"What the hell are we doing in here?" I giggled.
"It's empty. We can talk"
"Shawn I really think it can wait"
"No no it can't. I really want everything between us to be cleared up" he sighed and I took a deep breath.
'The gates for Flight EZY8009 to Gatwick England are now open. Passengers head to gate 200'
"I have to go"
"No no no quickly just tell me" Shawn said and I panicked putting my hands over my face.
"Yesterday I told you that I wasn't a virgin. I am. Well I was. I lied I'm sorry please don't be mad at me. And I'm having to go to the doctor tomorrow because I couldn't remember what protection we used" I rambled out.
"Wait wait. Are you serious?" He said and his face remained stern.
"Yes I'm serious. I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't serious. But I don't regret any of it. At all." I said hearing the airport announcement again.
"Shawn please. I have to go. I don't want to end it like this" I said and a tear rolled down my cheek.
"Yeah. No. I'll see you at the concert. I'll, I'll text you" he said evidently shocked by what I had told him.
I stood on my toes and kissed his cheek lightly.
"Goodbye Shawn" I cried walking away.
"I'll text you" I heard him say but I didn't turn round.
I couldn't face him. Not now.